"You never said anything about anxiety attacks." He said, sounding almost hurt, and I sighed bringing my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them.
"It's not like it's anything I'm proud of or want people to know." I said sharply.
"If I knew that you had anxiety attacks, I would have done things differently, such as setting it up to avoid crowds." He said in a gentle voice but that hurt edge was still there.
"I didn't want you to treat me differently." I whispered putting my face on my knees.
"If I had known, I could have helped you." He said and I snapped my head to look at me. He was looking at me sympathetically.
"I never wanted you to look at me the way you're looking me now. Like I'm a bird with a broken wing you have to protect from the world. I'm not great but I am fine and while I still have anxiety and the attacks, I can take care of myself!" I snapped at him.
"I never said that." Ashton said in a soft voice.
"Not out loud but your eyes did."
"But maybe I could help you, help you become better." He said and I wanted to scream for a fraction of a second.
"There really is no being 'better.' This isn't something with a cure, Ashton. This is part of me and this is something I have to deal with. It's not part of you or what you have to deal with, ok?"
"Fine! Then I won't do anything to make you better. But would you let me support you? I can at least do that right? I'm still your boyfriend even if you never bothered to tell me this." He said in a much angrier voice. In some ways I liked yelling 'cause when you yelled you got it out and then you can move on with resolving it. Bottling it up you can't resolve anything. Have you realized I'm a hypocrite yet? Sue me for trying to save my pride.
"You can support me but please don't look at me like I'm a china doll. I am strong and capable and really, it's not as severe as it used to be. I started having less worries when I got with you." I said and I watched as he moved closer to me with a soft smile on his face.
"I know you're strong but now just know you can call me whenever this happens, even if all you want to do is cry to me or hold my hand. I know I can do that." He said gently and I nodded. He started to open his arms and I let myself lean into him to lean on him. I might not be strong enough to climb my mountain alone but with him there to lean on, I was feeling more optimistic about it.
Calum
I was staring at the ceiling straining to listen to Calum's breathing next to me to try to calm down but it was already too late, my thoughts were already spinning out of control. Just worries spinning through my brain almost too fast for me to process them. An endless stream of thoughts making my heart race and my stomach churn uneasily.
Why couldn't my own brain leave me alone on one of the few nights I had with Calum? Granted, my worries mostly revolved around Calum and us. Yes that us, the us, the us that when anyone starts thinking about you know that you're gonna start thinking about unhappy what-ifs. The worst pair of words in the world.
What if the fans hate me and hurt me?
What if they send me hate and my anxiety gets that much, that being exponentially, worse?
Anxiety preference
Start from the beginning
