The Madonna, The Virgin, and The Whore

Chapter Forty-Two

LEXI

He was silent for a moment and my spine stiffened as I continued to pack my bag. I knew why he was there and couldn't have that conversation, not with him. He stayed in the doorway, not even attempting to enter but it didn't matter, his very presence took up the entire room and I felt his eyes on the back of me.

"Remember that night I found you out on the beach and carried you inside?"

Everything stopped just then. I didn't move a muscle but could still feel the blood pumping through my veins, begging me to flee. I had tried to forget everything about that night, but that moment with Will, I'd never forget that. I bit down on the inside of my cheek and nodded, but continued to shove my clothes into my bag. I couldn't let him distract me. I couldn't let him stop me like before. This time I had to go.

"I was surprised to find you out there. I thought for sure you'd be sleeping things off inside. But there you were, wearing that big 'ole sweatshirt of your dad's, sitting out in the cold, and just staring at the water. I remember how tiny you looked and feeling the need to make sure you were okay, but something about the way you were sitting made me feel like you wanted to be left alone. And then..."

"I puked," I stated bluntly, stuffing a pair of jeans inside my bag and trying not to remember how Will had held back my hair.

He let out an uncomfortable chuckle. "Yeah, you puked. I didn't even stop to think; I just went to you. I'd never seen you that upset before. I knew then. I knew from the way you held onto me, from the way that you were crying; I didn't know what, but I knew something had happened."

I could feel his body. He was no longer standing in my doorway, but right behind me and every fine hair along my skin stood at attention, anticipating his touch, craving it really. It was hard to ignore what the inner most part of me wanted so badly, but I didn't have a choice. I had to. My past was coming for me and I couldn't let that happen.

"It was that night wasn't it?"

"What was that night?" I kept my voice detached and my face from his view. I knew what he was asking, but I was hoping to buy myself a little more time. Eventually Will was going to find out the truth, all the messy details; I just wasn't sure I could bring myself to be the one who gave them to him.

"After that night I asked around. The story you told us when we picked you up at the gas station... That wasn't true, was it?"

I shrugged, reinforcing my splintering walls, before I finally turned my head and glared at him. "If you asked around you should know the type of girl I am Will."

He leaned back from me as if insulted. "Really Lexi?"

I knew I was pushing him away, but I needed to. When things got too real, I retreated; that's how it worked, but Will had known me for a long time. He knew how I operated, the defense mechanisms I had in place, and he wasn't prepared to back down without a fight.

"Sometimes I think you forget who you're talking to. I grew up across the street from you Lexi; I know you better than you think."

"You knew me before Will, when I was a kid. You don't know me now. You don't know how--" My voice caught in my throat, hijacking my words, so I turned back to my bag and began shoving the last of my things in. I didn't know how to make him understand; I didn't even know if I wanted him to.

"I know you well enough to know that you'd rather me think the worse than tell me the truth, and that right there tells me that whatever happened was really bad." His voice was full of equal hurt and understanding. It was almost too much.

"I saw you that night Lexi. I saw the shape you were in. You let me help you then; why won't you let me help you now?"

My stomach turned and I felt like I was going to be sick. I looked over my shoulder and could see the sympathy building in his eyes. I hated it. The last thing I wanted was sympathy. I began to tremble, my breath getting caught in my lungs as I furiously shook my head.

"You don't want to know what happened--"

He cut me off. "Lexi, nothing you can say would change things for me, or how I feel about you."

My heart slammed against my rib cage, reminding me that it still existed, and I let out a ragged groan as I rubbed my hands over my face in denial. "You say that now..." His warm hand caught my wrist sending shockwaves through my body.

"I say it because I mean it."

I could feel his compassion and it just about broke me. He gently tugged me around to him, but my eyes stayed glued to the floor. Why was he making it so difficult? I should've been half way out the door, but he wasn't letting go.

"You can't mean it Will. You don't know how fucked up I am! You shouldn't have to deal with this shit!" I shook my head, focusing on the nail polish stain on my rug from so many years ago. I remembered the name of the color 'Burnt Soul'. I had hurled the bottle across my room in a rage. It wasn't long after the rape. I was out of control and didn't know how deal with everything.

I still didn't.

Will's finger hooked under my chin and he lifted my face up from the floor and forced me to meet his eyes. The look of sincerity in them scared me and I could only hold his gaze for a second before I turned away. I sensed his body sag and the defeat take him.

"Lexi."

He said my name in a broken plea and the heart I thought had been decimated beyond repair, tightened inside me. It hurt more than I imagined it ever could and tried to pull away from him again but he caught me by the elbow and tugged me back to him. I stumble over my own feet and fell into his chest, closing my eyes briefly, buried in his scent.

"Nothing is going to change things," he promised. "I won't allow you to push me away. I know that's what you're trying to do, and it's not going to happen." He wrapped an arm around my waist and I felt myself relax into him. For some reason he felt safe; I felt safe with him.

I didn't know what this meant. After all, he didn't know the whole truth yet and that could very well change things, but for some reason I got the feeling like Will wouldn't let it. He wanted me to open up to him, and for the young girl who had an enormous crush on him still in me, that was a dream come true. But a very real fear still existed inside me that it might be too much for him. I might be too much for him.

Before I knew what was happening my shoulders began to shake and the tears came rolling down my cheeks. The desire to run still pulsed through me, but Will's other hand held onto the base of my skull. He knotted his fingers through my hair and anchored me there.

The comfort he offered was far stronger and I let myself go. My tears stained his shirt, but he still held on, holding me together as he allowed me to fall apart.

Author's Notes:

I know! I know! I know! I'm a horrible person for making you wait so long! What can I tell you? I stretch myself too thin all the time. Between editing THE RETURN and THE RESTORATION, writing THEN & NOW, and working on two other stories, it's hard to keep up...but I'm trying. This is how I operate and if it frustrates you, I totally understand. If that's the case, I suggest just holding off, adding the book to your library, and waiting until you get the final "Story Completed" notification. We are, however, getting close to the end.

Thank you for your continued support and your understanding for my hiatus from posting. I'm hoping to have the next three chapters up for you soon!

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