The Madonna, The Virgin, and The Whore

Chapter Thirty-Six

LEXI

My eyes blinked open. It was early. I could tell from the way the light was slowly creeping into the room.

The room.

My eyes popped open and I bit down on my lip, suddenly aware of my head resting against Will's chest. We never finished our talk last night. When he got me inside, he didn't say anything. He didn't ask me anymore questions, or push for any more answers. He just brought me to his room and laid us down on his bed, holding me against him, while I cried until there wasn't anything left.

Years without tears and now it felt like all I'd been doing was crying. I'm not sure when I eventually fell asleep, or how even, but it happened. Now I was stuck in Will's bedroom dreading the moment when he would open his eyes and we'd have to confront the situation we put ourselves in again. His chest rose underneath me and I held my breath. I didn't want him to wake up yet. I just wanted to soak in this moment for a half a second longer before I'd have to let it go again.

I strained my neck and looked around. I'd only ever been in Will's room once before, and that didn't really count since I never actually got the chance to step through the door. I was around twelve and Mary sent me to get Erin for dinner. Mrs. Garrity let me in and told me Erin was in Will's room and that I could go on back. My heartbeat picked up with each step I took down that hallway, and I remember how disappointed I was when Erin came barreling through the bedroom door just as I was about to step inside. Since then I'd always been curious about his bedroom, and now here I was.

In his bed.

I slowly lifted my head up off his chest. One of his arms was splayed out across my back, locking me down in place and pinning me to him and somehow my leg had gotten wrapped around his during the night. I slipped my foot free, careful not to wake him; that was the last thing I wanted to do. Delicately, I lifted his arm off of me and slowly eased myself out from underneath him, holding my breath the whole time. I slipped off the bed and laid his arm back down on the mattress, careful to be gentle. Will adjusted his body and I stared down at his face, waiting for his eyes to open. Thankfully they didn't.

He looked so peaceful there though, on the bed with his hair falling over his eyes. Every so often he twitched, maybe from his dream, and I almost smiled until I realized how very wrong that would be. Instead I concentrated on the panic I could feel setting in and everything inside me pushing me to get out of there. I felt like I was being suffocated. He was getting too close and that wasn't supposed to happen. All I'd end up doing was disappointing him.

I took a step back, finding it difficult to pull my eyes away, but I had to. When I found my boots, I snatched them up from the floor, and crept over to the door. I slowly pulled it back, cringing when it creaked. I spun my head towards Will, filling with relief when he didn't move, and then slipped from his room like the coward that I was.

I didn't feel like I could breathe normally again until I got outside. Thankfully the streets were empty. It was still early and all the houses around me were dark and quiet, including my own. I still looked around though, making sure that I was in the clear before taking a deep breath and sprinting across the street with my boots in my hands and my head ducked down. I hoped neither of my sisters was awake yet. I didn't want to have to make up another bullshit excuse about hooking up with some random guy again. I was tired of excuses, I was cranky, and I was confused. At that point all I wanted to do was to take a shower and then collapse onto my bed. I'd deal with everything else later.

When I unlocked the front door I heard someone in the kitchen. It had to be Mary; she was the only one who'd be up this early. If Erin was ever up this early, she was out running, not puttering around in the kitchen. I dropped my boots on the floor and just as I lifted my head, Erin came storming down the stairs with a look of pure outrage on her face. My guard immediately went up and for a second there I thought I'd might've been caught, but then I remembered that Erin had no idea where I was last night; I could make up anything.