The Madonna, The Virgin, and The Whore

Chapter Thirty-Four

MARY

It was real early the next morning and I was sitting out in the back yard with a book. I didn't sleep well the night before, tossing and turning as I replayed my conversations with both Ian and Matt over in my mind. It was like the past and future were at odds with each other. One ensured certainty, the other held possibilities, but neither made any guarantees. I had no idea what I was going to do, but I knew I had to make some decisions and this time it all fell on me.

I re-read the same sentence in my book for the fourth time. My head just wasn't into it; it was too clouded with my own issues to concentrate on a fictionalized character and hers. Giving up, I closed the book and looked out at the horizon, watching as the sun slowly started to make an appearance.

A dog's bark caught my attention and I turned my head just in time to see a chocolate lab come bounding up the sand towards me. I smiled; I couldn't help it. The dog jumped up, landing his dirty, wet paws on my lap and lapping at my face, ecstatic to see me. I scratched him behind the ear, laughing, knowing just how he liked it.

A familiar shape came lumbering up behind him. I lowered my eyes when I saw Matt. I wasn't prepared for this, and it wasn't fair for him to use CB to get to me either. He knew how much I loved this dog. I patted CB's head as I peeked over at him, taking in his casual dark shorts and worn, wrinkled t-shirt. He looked tired; I could see it in his body and how it wasn't moving with its usual ease or being held with that same self-assured confidence. His feet were bare and he had a baseball hat pulled down low over his dark hair. He climbed up the dune and stopped just a few feet away from our property line.

"I thought you'd be out here." He raised his hand up to his cap, cocking the lid to the side and squinting down at me. For some reason my smile didn't disappear like I thought it would.

He used to tease me all the time about this little ritual of mine, asking how many sunrises I could watch before I'd ever get my fill. I always told him there weren't enough. Matt turned and stared out towards the sun. "It's going to be a beautiful day."

I nodded my head even though he couldn't see me and wrapped my arms around my body, pulling my knees up into the chair that I sat on. Matt looked over his shoulder back at me. "Mind if I sit with you?"

I paused for a moment. I wasn't sure that was a good idea. Matt must've noticed because he began to back track. "Or I could leave you alone if--"

"No." I shook my head, reacting before I even thought about what I was doing. "You can stay."

His shoulders dropped with relief and he lowered himself down onto the sand, keeping a safe distance between us. I knew he'd rather it wasn't there, but I needed it and he respected that. We didn't say anything and for a little while the both of us just sat there staring out at the water. It felt weird. I was suddenly uncomfortable around the one person I was once the most comfortable with. I didn't know what to do with myself or what to say.

"Do you remember sophomore year? When your dad caught us out there and thought we were swimming?" Matt let out a short laugh and shook his head as he continued to stare down at the ocean. "He had no idea that my pants were down around my ankles underneath the surface."

I smiled at the memory. The one time we decided to get a little crazy in the ocean and my dad came out and called us in. I remembered how I pretended to get knocked over by a wave just so I'd have time to adjust my swimsuit before climbing out of the water. It felt so scandalous at the time. I chuckled and shook my head.

"Do you remember sitting out here on prom night, watching the sunr--" I cut him off.

"Matt, what are you doing?"