Redeeming a Dark Heart

Chapter 30: Reasons

*** Guys, I am so sorry! I haven't updated in months! I guess I lost interest in writing this for a while and school started, and...I didn't realize how long it's been since I've posted a new part. Anywho, I am planning on updating more frequently again, as much as I can, and I have big plans to come for this story, although it'll probably be more than a few chapters 'till I get there. So sorry for not updating, posting the next chapter too to make up for it!***

I sat alone for a while, thinking to myself about everything that had gone on just in the past few weeks. I had fallen in love with Robin. I had a reason to belong to this world. He had brought me from my path of destruction back to a life of hope. He'd given me something to believe in. Now I was finally part of a real family. Robin cared for me and I loved him too. Roland was the best son I could ask for at the moment, such an innocent little boy that I seemed to fall in love with more each time I saw him. I had come to terms with Snow after despising her for half a lifetime, blaming her for something that wasn't even her fault.

I thought back to how it all began, making the deal with Rumplestiltskin, my mind tainted with evil and my heart set on revenge. How far I had come from that night in so little time. Now I was trying to make up for my past, my tainted mind cleared by the strongest kind of love possible.

After a while, I heard the door creak open and Robin entered the room. I looked up at him as he stood beside the door, closing it without a sound.

"Robin." I said, grateful to see him again tonight. I didn't want the night to end like this, with me running off from dinner. I didn't want to hurt him.

He gave me a slight smile, glad that I wasn't upset with him. I stood up from the edge of the bed and he came over to me, extending one hand to mine. I let him take it and he softly stroked the back of my palm as he began speaking.

"What do you say we go on a walk in the moonlight, milady?" He offered, his eyes searching mine sincerely.
I flashed him a quick smile. "Lead the way."

We walked down the stairs and he led me straight to a side door. Holding the door open for me, we stepped out into the dark night. The sky was black and glittered with stars. The only light source was the moon, a beautiful white orb that hadn't quite reached full circle yet. I held tightly to Robin's hand for direction as I waited for my eyes to adjust to the dim lighting. He slowed his pace so I could keep up without tripping over anything in the path. I was grateful that he seemed to know where he was going as he led me across the open fields of the castle grounds.

For a while we walked silently, content with showing our love for each other through the blissful stillness as we went along. After about ten minutes of peaceful silence, his arm wrapped gently around my shoulders as we walked slowly, Robin spoke.

"Would you like to explain why you left dinner tonight?" He asked me gently. I thought for a moment and when I didn't immediately respond, he continued to prompt me. "Was it something I said?" He gave me another moment. "Or was it someone else?" I still didn't know how to respond. "Should I have come up instead of Snow or..." He trailed off, waiting for me to give him some answer to satisfy his curiosity.

I took a deep breath. Earlier I had worried about telling Robin, but now all of my fear in telling him faded away. I had wanted to keep this from him, not thinking I could handle any sad reaction I would get from him because of it, but he made me feel so safe. It was safe to tell him. I could be open to him and tell him anything. His love gave me comfort as he waited patiently for an answer. We came to a stop and I turned toward him. My other hand fell into his naturally and I prepared myself to talk.

"It wasn't your fault." I began. He relaxed a bit at this, glad that it hadn't been him. "You didn't know that what you said would upset me. I didn't tell you about this before, so I shouldn't have been so sensitive to you mentioning it. You didn't know." He seemed confused, not knowing what he'd said to make me upset, but he also understood that this was serious and hard for me to tell so he didn't question any further. "Robin," I said firmly, "I can't be a mother."

He looked at me for a moment in shock.

"But you're such a natural mother to Roland, what makes you think such a thing?" He asked.

I shook my head. "No, not like that, I would love to be Roland's mother. That's not the problem." I took a deep breath, "The problem is that I can never bear a child of my own." Now he understood. He kept a straight, sincere face. I couldn't tell if he really wasn't at all unhappy about the situation, or if he was hiding it in order not to upset me. I searched his face for any expression regarding the situation, but all I found was sympathy.

He slowly pulled me into a gentle, comforting hug.

He searched my face slowly.

"There's something else, isn't there. Something you're not telling me." He prompted, though he was calm and soothing, not abrupt or confrontational.

I looked up into his clear blue eyes, relaxed by his quiet gaze. I took a deep breath and began again, the same way I'd done with Snow. "I did it to myself." I admitted slowly. Robin looked hurt, as if imagining being in my place and what circumstances could have brought me to do such a thing. "I could not bear the thought of having a child as I was. Any child of mine wouldn't have had a chance with me as their mother. Being raised by the Evil Queen, well, who knows what that child would end up like. I couldn't have sentenced a child to a life like that, I know what it's like, and trust me, it's not good. I caused much pain to the world, but I couldn't do that. I didn't want to become my mother." I had become my mother though. The thought pushed its way to the front of my mind but I silenced it immediately. That was the last thing I needed to think about right now.

"You know that I will love you no matter what." He told me, not letting me go from the hug as if holding me tight forever would keep me safe from any problems the world had to offer.

"I know." I whispered back in response, hugging him tighter.

"We can find a way to fix it, I'm sure." He told me, giving me more hope. "As long as that is what you want of course." He added, wanting to make it my decision. I nodded. "Even if we never found a way to fix it," He said, "I would be just as happy having you alone, all to myself."

I smiled. I should've known he'd be supportive, I didn't know why I'd shied away from telling him in the first place.
He slowly relaxed his grip on me and I looked up to him. Although it was too dark to see much at the moment, his blue eyes reflected the glow of the moon and sparkled with the light of the stars. It was in this short moment, only lasting a breath, that I knew no matter the circumstances, no matter what happened, no matter if we found a way to change this or not, we would always be there for each other. Always. With the same love that had given us trust and understanding for each other since we'd first looked into each other's eyes.