CONVERGENT

▪️TWO▪️

We reach the train tracks, she stops and falls to her knees putting her ear on the track. I just stand behind her, my hands on my knees. I stare at her as I catch my breath, then she stands up and I get a glimpse of a tatoo, exactly where tris had the three birds. She pulls her shirt up covering it up, the comer of it no longer visible. "You have a tatoo?" I can't help but ask. She looked at me Amazed, probably, because I found out. "Yeah it's a heart." She pulls the edge of her shirt down a little, so that I can see it. It's a black and gray heart, with disigns in the edges that look like flames or feathers. "My mom chose it." She adds a small smile crossing her lips.

"How does she visit you?" I ask her wondering how she speaks so much about her when I know it's impossible. Her smile fades a little and she stares at the tracks a train car is coming closer, we stand up and run to catch it. I get in first pulling her in with me. She sits down, almost at the end of the car and I sit next to her. "You don't see her, do you?" She looks at me with pitty in her eyes. I was going to answer but she continued. "She's is the only person I have. If I didn't have her I'd be alone, no one cares about me." She sighs and goes on. " You probably believe it's impossible to see her. I don't, so that is why I can see her, If you don't believe in something who says you'll ever achieve it?" I look at her, it seems too easy, but she's right, I know she's dead and I know there is no way to see her again, exept in the recordings that are in the main building, or my memories.

"She visits me everyday at two and follows me around untill I fall asleep, today I was going to go sip lining with her when we saw you. She once told me, you don't know true friendship until you have experienced betrayal. She loved you a lot, you were one of the most important people she knew. That's why when she saw you, that is why when she saw you, She started crying." She looks at me as I stare at her confused. Why did she cry?, but she contienues not letting me speak. "she misses you. A lot. You have no idea how much she suffers, how hard it was for her not to throw her arms around you when she sees you." Her smile fades and her eyes start to fill with water and her lip quivers for a second, but then it's over. " I think it's best for you not to see her." She adds putting her head down and staring at the floor. Anger fills me, I CAN'T see her? Why? She is mine! I deserve every right to- "WHY?" I demand, my voice a little bit harsher than I intend it to be. She stares at me her expresion guarded, "because you have almost gotten over her death, she thought that by now you'd would have replased her already, but you haven't. So that means that if you see her at least once, you're life would become nothing. You'd be wrapped in the past and wouldn't move on and so would she. Someday she will have to leave, when that happens your ache will only be even worse."

She sobs into her hand and turns away from me. I'm not sure what to do, I always get uncomfortable when someone else cries when I'm around. I feel even worse if I try to comfort them. I stand up and walk to the door of the train, I lean out, holding the handles so that I don't fall. I know she is right, I wouldn't be able to move on, Once I saw her I wouldn't be able to let her leave. I need, I want to see Tris, my tris, again, I want to talk to her, to grab her in my arms, to kiss her, just one more time. I said see you soon, and now I could, I just had to "believe". The only thing she's got wrong is the fact that I would never be able to replace her with anyone.

I feel The wind around me as we get father away from The City. I remember all The times christina and Peter had sent me On dates, With Random Girls, I didn't even know, so that I'd get over tris. I knew It was never gonna work. I laughed To myself everytime I denied one or dumped the girl. Life was almost normal now, but everything was just wrong without tris. I usually tried not to leave my apartment at all, specially in days like this, close to her death. My life didn't have a purpose anymore. It was awfull looking at everyone happy and living their life, Christina and the 'new' Peter were kinda together, meaning I was left out, alone to my thoughts. It was worse for me, I had nightmares almost every night of her dying all over again. Or of her coming back or her asking me for help but I never could no anything. I almost didn't sleep at all. And when i didn't I just found my self crying of anger or longing. It was impossible for me. My life, my hope, my happiness, my love was gone.

Nat tuched my shoulder and becons me father into the car, I follow her. We sit down near some wooden crates. "She was amazing wasn't she?" She askes as she looks at the emty field as we pass the wall. I sigh and smile a bit, "No." I say and sigh. She stares at me confused. "She was more than that." A wide smile crosses my lips as I close my eyes. I can almost picture her face. "It's my fault she's dead." I add pressing my teeth together as hard as I can. To prevent tears. It's true, it's my fault, I told her I wasn't gonna let anyone kill her, I should have known she'd go instead of Caleb. I was stupid for a second and she was gone. "Is he still alive?" She askes with the same tone I'd just used. With anger. "Who?" I ask not knowing what she ment. " CALEB" She said a staring at me her eyes vibrating hate, it's almost frightening. I look away. "Yeah, He is."

"Common we have to jump." I stand up and walk to the edge of the train, her feet inches behind mine. I push myself foward falling on my feet and almost falling on my face. Then she jumps, her feet landing carefully on the ground, she runs a bit to gain her balance and straitens up, rubbing dirt of her pants.

It's almost two thirty, a guard walks her to her room, I decided to accompany her. The man opens a door near the end of the coridor, almost next to the room we stayed in when we got here. As he opens a door, I see a sofa with a cloth next to it. The place is a little messy and as I stare, I noticed it's the room me and tris shared sometimes, it's exactly the way we left it. My heart falls at the memory, I can't stay there. I walk pass them, say goodbye and run down the corridor, I need to get as far as possible. For a while I just run, until I'm too tired to keep on running. I return to my room, at the other side of the building. I open the door and turn the lights on. I turn the tap on and wash my face. I don't bother to look at my reflexion because I know I look real bad. I change clothes and try to sleep. My head is spinning with all the new information. Nat was my daughter. She had delusions about tris. She knew everything about me and I didn't know how. They had saved her and not tris. She was gone. But I could see her, she said "just believe."