Rain [h.s]

two

October 16th -

      I couldn't breathe today. The air suddenly stopped flowing to my lungs and the pressure mounted in my chest as my blood was deprived of its precious oxygen.

It all happened so fast. How could I have forgotten what day it was?

The worst part was that, like always, nobody seemed to notice or care that I was beginning to lose it in the middle of class. Nobody but her.

She glanced my way only once before noticing that something wasn't right, her pink lips dropping to a concerned frown in moments.

My hands shook as I listened to the clock ticking loudly in my ears. I shouldn't have been there, it was wrong of me to forget. My breath still wasn't normal but it was there now, rapid and short as I panicked about what I was going to do.

Mrs. Laveric didn't even bother to glance my way and she continued to teach. But the new girl did something that surprised everyone.

In my state of panic, she had stood from her seat and made her way over to me, my eyes wide and limbs still trembling as my mind fought with my body, neither of which quite agreeing on how to react or what to do.

I haven't forgotten the day that she left since she made the choice and the sadness came rolling in, crushing my entire body with its weight and drowning me without any sort of struggle.

Succumbing is so much easier than fighting it. I'm so weak.

I hate drowning. But what's the point in swimming until my limbs feel like they are falling off and my body is beyond the point of exhaustion?

Eve. I was talking about Eve.

Her concerned gray eyes met with my panicked green ones without hesitation and that worried me. No one ever made eye contact with me anymore and here she was, doing it without a single care in the world.

Didn't she know that I was messed up? Hadn't someone told her already, she'd been there long enough to know?

Her voice was so soft as she spoke, the simple words rolling off her tongue sweetly, "Are you alright?"

God, I didn't know what to do but I didn't want to ruin her chances at making friends by talking to her so I nodded quickly and averted my eyes, mentally hoping that she would just go the hell away.

But I also wanted her to stay. No one had been willing to talk to me for years and it felt so nice to just be paid attention to.

She could obviously tell that I had lied and her frown deepened, how is it that someone can still be pretty when they frown?

Besides the point, she asked me to let her take me to the nurse and I cut her off. One, I'm not a child and I could have easily walked myself, and two, I sincerely didn't want to ruin her life on her second day.

I made her mad and I could tell but it was better that way. She knew my name so she knew the implications she was getting herself into just by giving me any sort of attention. Sometimes I wonder why it is so bad to be associated with a person so sad, but now I think it's just because I drag everybody down so they just keep their distance.

It wouldn't hurt to be nice to me though, nobody had to be my friend or anything. Instead, it's like I don't even exist even though I clearly do. Even the teacher's have begun to do it for fuck's sake.

Don't they know that being that way doesn't help at all?

Anyway, back to Eve.

She wouldn't leave me alone until I went to the damn nurse and she made it a point to escort me even though I clearly told her not to. She was still angry that I'd been so rude to her but what was I supposed to do?

Here she was, concerned about me where it would only come back to hurt her and she knew it yet she did it anyway.

I hate myself for whatever happens with her friends because of today. Everyone saw and everyone was talking about it before we even left the room. She had to have heard, had to have known that this would only damage any chances she had come in with to make friends and have an actual good time.

Why is it that everything around me crumbles to pieces when I give it attention? Don't I deserve to be happy too? Why can't I ever be happy? :(

                         H.