Paragon // z.m

19. "I liked it better when I hated him."

She felt dirty. Absolutely filthy. Like a hundred showers wouldn't cleanse her selfish soul. Like no amount of water could wash away the tingling feeling of his lips on hers, when they had no right connecting at the first place.

After leaving his office, she walked until she found herself in the rehearsal hall. She couldn't go home, not now, not after what she had done, and although she felt an undying urge to go back to his office, and break everything in sight, including his stupid, unloving heart, she couldn't do that either.

It was raining outside, she noticed. She was still wet from the pool, and now it was raining too. He had rejected her, kicked her out, and it was raining. She couldn't help but sense the irony of it all, cursing at the Gods that seemed to despise her, drowning her in rain, tears and pain, even after she had long sunk. So, she took off her shoes, her wet clothes, put on her music of choice, and walked down the runway. She was pathetic, she knew, but she couldn't help but sob, hoping and praying that the sound of the thunder would overshadow the sound of her breakdown, and everyone would be too busy to notice, as they always had been.

It was absolutely ruthless. The way she had fallen for him. The way she had unintentionally distanced herself from Harry. The way she had kissed him, the way he had pushed her away. Every single aspect of it was ruthless. Harry was ruthless for loving her too much, when he must have sensed how incapable of loving she was. Zayn was ruthless for not loving her, when she allowed herself to feel, only for him. She, herself, was ruthless, for not loving herself enough, to walk away from all of that. She thought that she'd find someone who'd love her enough for the both of them, and when she did, she had no love left for him. Only for Zayn, it seemed like. Which again, was absolutely ruthless.

Her feet bent beneath her, crumbling under the weight of all she carried, but she refused to stop, knowing that if she had allowed herself to fully take it all in, then it would have brought her to the ground, with no chances of ever rising again. So, she continued to walk, up and down the runway, taking poses, forcing smiles, like that would make her feel any better about herself, about any of this.

" Robin, good thing you're here, we have rehearsals in an hour and- woah, what's going on here?" Louis' voice echoed through the silent hall, as he took in her exhausted attire. Her hair was a perfect mess, tears smudged the little makeup she always had on, her entire figure was trembling, her lips slightly bluing. Another sob rocked through her, before she began frantically wiping at her cheeks, willing everything away. Louis jumped onto the runway, wrapping his arms around her, sliding his hands up and down against her cold, soft, skin.

" Fuck, you're freezing. What the hell happened?" He was absolutely lost. He had never seen her like that before. She had never allowed him, or anyone for that matter, to see her like that, so he simply thought, that she never hit rock bottom that hard. Apparently, he was wrong, because she was absolutely wrecked, as he guided her off the runway, and into the backroom, sitting her down.

" I'll go get you some clothes, and then I'll take you home."

" No, no. I- I need to work. I can't go home." She choked out, teeth colliding with one another.

" Alright, just hold on, I'll be right back." Minutes ticked by, and her sobs had diminished to occasional sniffles. The ache had decreased in intensity as well, subsiding in her heart, mostly. Her eyes were growing heavy, her limps going numb due to the cold, but then Louis reappeared, with black pants, a printed pullover, and a black coat. He also had a black bra and a matching underwear in hand.

" Change into those, and I'll be waiting for you outside." Louis said, laying a tender hand to her shoulder. She gave him a weak nod, before he closed the door to the backroom behind him, walking out. She slowly put on the dry clothes, feeling the ground slightly spinning beneath her, but refusing to acknowledge it. With shaky hands, she opened the door, and walked to where Louis was seated, almost tripping, but he caught her, sitting her down beside him.