Andre Estates (Lesbian Stories)

True Feelings

Unedited

Reagan POV

Throughout the last couple of days, I have been taking the time to reevaluate my life. I have come to realize that where I have lost a lot in my life. I have also gained a lot. Everything pretty much seems to weigh itself out. Before this trip, I was just on autopilot with my life. I never really gave a thought to what my life consisted of. Yes, I lost my parents and one best friend. I still had one best friend who in turn had parents that stepped up to the plate and acted like a second set of parents.
While reevaluating my life, I have also started to organize things at my old house. I was finding things I had long ago forgotten about. One particular item, I had recently come upon was a letter that Kenzie had wrote back when we were 15. At the time, I really didn't understand or get what she was saying in it. Looking back, it was basically a love letter. At the same time, I think she must have seen me with Charlie because she hinted around to it. How could I have missed what it was saying? I swear the mind of a teenager sees what it wants to see. If I hadn't been so caught up in trying to forget about her, I would like to think that just reading this would have made a lot of things clearer.
            At that moment, I heard a car pull up outside my house. Have you ever had a foreboding moment, right before something huge is about to happen? Well, this is how I felt at that particular moment. Within seconds, my doorbell rings. I get up from the couch and open the door. At first, I am shocked to see Kenzie standing there. I quickly shake off that shock, inviting her in with a sweep of my hand. I walk over to the couch and sit back down. I clear my throat and began by asking, "What are you doing here?".
           I see that she is clearly nervous. Before she can begin, I jump in asking, "Is there anything I can get for you? A drink? Something to eat?". She had been nervously looking at the floor up until that point. At my question, she looks up at me with one of her cute dimpled smiles. God, how I have missed that smile. For almost 20 years it has been a part of my life. Haunting me. I clear my thoughts looking up to see her with one of her eyebrows and mouth quirked.
          She laughs a little before saying, "You have not changed at all. Still the hostess and, definitely, still the person that gets lost in her own thoughts." At this, I give into one of my own smiles. I have missed her so much. She has always been able to make me smile. She has also, always had a knack for being able to break the ice. The nervousness I had when she first arrived was already going away.
             I lean back into the couch and say, "You know I don't bite. You can come join me."
At this, she walks over to the couch and sits down. I can tell she is still nervous. It has been seven years, since we have seen each other. Looking over at her, I ask, "How have you been?".  She starts to fidget before saying, "Not as good as you are expecting me to say. Things after you left went down hill. I thought that after a few years, life would get better for me. In reality, nothing is or will ever be." Butterflies start to flutter in my stomach upon hearing Kenzie talk. I'm not sure where this is all going, but I know I need to let her talk.
               At that moment, she turns her body towards me. She takes my hand, looking into my eyes. After clearing her throat, she begins again, "I have to tell you something, Reagan. It is something I have kept hidden for almost 11 years. Before, I tell you I need you to remember that nothing will change after this." I know I said I wouldn't interrupt her but I know what she is going to say next. I stop her by saying, "Kenzie, I know you were in love with me. Matty told me two days ago. At first, I was a little shocked and hurt. I was more deeply hurt that you didn't come to me and tell me how you were feeling. You have always been the one to open about about your feelings more. I felt the exact same way you did back then. Who am I kidding? I still feel that way. I know you are getting married. I'm not here to break it up. You were always my friend before you were anything. That friendship is what has brought me here. I want to see one of my best friends happily move on to the next stage in her life."
          I had heard her start to cry in the middle of what I was saying. I know this is bringing up old wounds. If I could have helped it, I would have steered the conversation away from this. I know we both need to get it off our chests. It has held both of us back for so long. It is time to free it that way we can both move on. She still crying to hard to speak. I scoot my body closer to her and wrap my arms around her. In turn, she lays her head on my shoulder and wraps hers around me. My body immediately starts to heat up from her touch. I know this is not a time for me to be reacting to her like this.
          I clear my throat and begin running my fingers through her hair. Doing this has always caused her to calm down faster. I began speaking to her again, "You know I understand, why you didn't choose me. When Matty told me you didn't want to lose your mom, I understood that more than anything. She has always been your number one role model, if she said you shouldn't eat pickles you would have listened and not ate them. I knew back then that you and I would never stand a chance. I tried so hard not to fall for you. Once I did, all I could do was sit back and watch you dates all those jerks that wanted nothing, but to get in your pants." At this, Kenzie shifted around to wear she was straddling my lap. Her head was still resting on my shoulder. I felt my cheeks starting to turn red. In all those years, we never once got this close to one another. I had to clear my throat to push all the sexual thoughts that were running through my head.
            Taking a deep breath, I said, "When I found out Matty felt the same way I did, I was knew that he would have a better chance with you than I did. It hurt knowing that. I tried moving on. I tried falling for a girl, I started to seeing back then. I wanted to only see you as a friend. I was actually making good lead way with it until my parents died. Charlie, the girl I was dating had been trying to get me to come out to them. I wanted to so bad, but the thought of them disowning me overtook that thought. See, if anyone knows how you feel about your mom it's me. I went through the same choice. The only difference is my parents were taken away from me. You still have yours. After their death, I felt so much guilt and anger that I pushed all of you guys a way. Charlie was the first to go. "
          "Drugs and alcohol were the only things at that time that numbed me to the point that I didn't constantly think about things. You will be the first person I have ever opened up to about those dark days. I wanted to kill myself so bad. I didn't feel like I deserved to live. My parents lives were took from them at such an early age in life. The love of my life couldn't be there for me the way I needed her to be. What more did I really have to live for?" I felt Kenzie go stiff at the words kill myself. After a moment, she loosened back up and hugged me tighter, burying her head closer against my neck. Her breathe on my neck was causing me to go crazy and causing goosebumps to appear all over my body. I started to run my finger up and down her back. I know this may be the closest we will ever get. We both needed this moment.
              After taking a few minutes to gather my thoughts, I start again. "I never had enough guts to actually do it. I finally realized that I still had a while before my life was over. Why waste it when I was so young? When I started coming around Matty and you again, I think I could see the new closeness you guys had developed. You guys touched more and lite up around one another. After you confirmed, what my mind was already telling me I was consumed with jealousy. It was hard to be around y'all two. I was just coming out of a deep depression. Seeing you so happy sent me into a different type of depression."
               "Before long, I started thinking that I wanted you to be happy. If Matty, was your happiness, Who was I to step in between that? I knew that as long as I was around that the two of y'all would never be happy. I was coming around to y'all being together, but I would never have truly accepted it. That's when I decided that I needed to change my plans for college. I know I was a coward for running. I was giving you what I thought would be your happiness. Little did I know that by doing that I was taking your heart away with me. I am truly sorry, Kenzie. You will forever be the love of my life. I know that I cannot be with you. I know we are just getting things off our chests. I have never been open about my feelings. I wanted you to know exactly how I have felt and feel. I don't know how happy you are with Mark but I do know that I want you to feel love with whoever you end up with. If it's Mark, I wish you all the luck. If it's not, then I hope it will be Matty. Matty loves you as much as I do. You broke him when you left. He has never gotten over you."
          "Back when y'all were together, I still thought like a teenager. I can, honestly, say I will stand behind you being with Matty or whoever you end up with now." I have been kind of rambling, but I needed to clear my mind. I needed to make her understand that I didn't care who she ended up with.