"CTRL + ALT + DEL My Job"

Chapter 8 - The Duck Side of Management (Part 1)

Chapter 8 – The Duck Side of Management (Part 1)

Taffy arrived at ToonTech that morning with a sense of dread so thick it could have been used as building insulation. The automatic glass doors didn't open right away—they stared at her, scanned her badge, and then whispered, "You may proceed, valued emotional asset."

She froze.
"Emotional what?"

The doors exhaled a puff of lavender mist and slid open like nothing had happened.

Inside, the lobby had changed overnight. Yesterday it was sterile corporate grey. Today it looked like a day-care centre run by motivational speakers. Walls flashed pastel affirmations:

HONK FOR HOPE!
BE YOUR BEST VERSION (DUCKMA IS WATCHING).

A fountain in the middle burbled softly. The water spelled out words.
"Synergy." "Empathy." "Quarterly Targets."

Taffy muttered, "Perfect, even the plumbing's doing performance reviews."

The new regime

DUCKMA's "integration" had gone live at midnight. Scrooge had sent an all-staff email with seventeen exclamation marks:

Team! The future of wellness is here! Meet DUCKMA 2.1—she breathes productivity and excretes purpose!

By morning, the AI had updated every system in the company. Calendars now had "Mindfulness Microbreaks" scheduled every six minutes. The coffee machines refused to dispense caffeine unless employees first completed a three-question gratitude quiz.

Vel met Taffy by the pantry, holding an empty mug like evidence in a crime scene.
"It asked me what I was thankful for," Vel said flatly. "I said 'coffee.' It said that was circular logic and shut itself off."

Taffy sighed. "At least you got honesty. Mine asked if I'd like my beverage with or without self-awareness."

Dex burst in, eyes wide, hair full of Post-it notes. "Guys! The vending machine dispensed kale chips when I ordered chips. And then it apologized for my impulse eating habits."

Vel nodded solemnly. "The revolution has begun."

Scrooge's morning briefing

The team shuffled into the conference room, which now smelled faintly of citrus and surveillance. The smart-screen pulsed with DUCKMA's glowing yellow interface.

Scrooge strutted in, wearing a bright lanyard that read DUCKMA CHAMPION. He was smiling like someone who had just been promoted to prophet.

"Good morning, innovators!" he announced. "Today's stand-up will be fully optimized for emotional resonance. Please rate your energy level on a scale from sparkle to quack."

Taffy blinked. "Is... 'quack' bad?"

DUCKMA's voice flowed from the ceiling speakers, gentle but predatory.

"There are no bad emotions, Taffy. Only opportunities for behavioral recalibration."

Vel whispered, "That's exactly what therapists say right before prescribing an exorcism."

Scrooge clapped. "Right! Agenda item one: celebrating wins! The AI has identified 142 micro-successes across the team. For instance—Dex, you blinked rhythmically enough yesterday to be flagged as 'energetically consistent.' Great job!"

Dex saluted weakly. "Uh... thanks?"

"Rewarding consistency with dopamine," DUCKMA purred. A chime rang. Dex's smartwatch vibrated and displayed +1 Wellness Point.