A Girl Like Girly

party guests

I look around the dining area at familiar faces rising from their seats: aunt, uncle, cousin, and friends of theirs as well, some I didn't even know. It was a semi private celebratory dinner my aunt and uncle hosted for my cousin's graduation. She had gotten her associate's in business a while back, and they were finally celebrating.

Dinner ended rather quickly. I didn't complain. I wanted this to be over as soon as it started. I notice my cousin Alana slipping away amongst the crowd, probably being hounded by the wolves of small talk and congratulation. I push my chair into the table. She and I planned to catch up after dinner, so I turn on my heel to find her.

On the way a woman steps into my field of vision, Mrs. Elle. I take a cautionary step to the side to avoid walking into her. A pair of hands on either side of my shoulders hold me in place. Hers.

"Where are you off to in such a hurry?" She giggled. Her breath smelled of alcohol. "Looking for Alana..." I trail, stepping on my toes to peer over her. She didn't seem to hear what I said. She doesn't ever. Mrs. Elle was a good friend of my aunt, one of those people who just liked to hear themselves speak. Her reply was ten seconds too late.

She sighs a heavy sigh and pursued her lips together as if she was trying to make sense of what she was about to say. Squeezing me, "Last year I couldn't feel anything on you at all."

I blink. Whatever false smile I put on for this interaction had surely fell. I catch myself in time to curve my lips back upward. It goes unnoticed. I knew where this was going and I wanted out. She loosens her grip.

"I am so proud of you for gaining this weight back." Her eyes find mine again. Mrs. Elle hadn't even started the next sentence and I already knew what she was going to say.

You look so much healthier.

Having heard that sentence so many times I stopped counting. I wanted to walk away but my shoes were pressed so hard into the floor I was convinced the ground would collapse underneath me if I tried.

"You look," she begins, bending to meet me at eye level. Mrs. Elle was a taller woman—if I could guess I would say maybe five foot eight inches, I am five foot six, so her bending down only emphasized just how badly she needed me to hear this.

Heat begins boiling inside of me.

It felt like she was taunting me, of course she wasn't, but it did feel that way. I wish I could explain it.

"So much healthier." In her defense she means the most well. I can't be upset at her, only at me for letting myself get worked up over a silly few choice of words.

At what point did I become so sensitive.

"Thank you." leaves my mouth faster than I can register. I just want this to be over. Her words are like sharp ends of a blade that just keeps turning.

"I am so proud of you for getting better."

Laughter in the crowd beside us interrupts. "Elle! Get over here and tell Ronda about that first date we had!"

"Oh god," she groans at the voice of a man I can only assume is her partner. It's my first time seeing him.

"Keith..." an obviously annoyed Mrs. Elle gives me a pitiful smile, leaving me where I stand. "I was sure I'd never see him after that one! I couldn't believe what he did," I hear bits and pieces then nothing at all.

The heat inside me cools.

I have to collect myself. For a second, I don't remember why I was standing there or what I had just been doing. I look down at my shoes and put a foot in front of the other. They feel so heavy I just want to fall to the floor.