Red Lighter ✧ John Murphy

XVIII - Hold Onto Me

August 12th, 2015

The FEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELS

The feels will be coming in the next few chapters. :')

The song for this chapter is "Hold Onto Me" by Mayday Parade. 'Cause I love it. 

And just so you guys know, this is a really significant chapter, cause I wrote it over a month ago. :') Well, the scene with the two of them is what I wrote. SO IT'S VERRRRRRRRRRY IMPORTANT.

All hail Venurphy.

"Hold onto me, 

Hold onto me.

Don't you ever leave, 

Don't you ever leave,

I know I've got my problems and it's probably me,

So hold onto me, 

Hold onto me."

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Chapter Eighteen

We searched everywhere. The entire light house was empty. No one else was here, and we couldn't' find the body anywhere. So we both tried our hardest to forget about it. It had been a hundred years... Anything could have happened.

We mostly spent the rest of the day outside, finding old things from what the world used to be like. We found old remotes, parts of computers, even a few other solar panels. When we uncovered them, nothing really happened, but I assumed that it would make more power.

"Come on," I said. "Let's go back inside."

When we got inside, I decided that I would just go to the bedroom. Ever since I saw that man shoot himself, it was like all of the emotions I had been trying to hide... Just suddenly came to the surface. The guilt, the sadness, the anger.

I felt guilty because Murphy had gotten hurt because he was helping me. I felt guilty because I forced him to make the choice between Richards and I. I was sad because I was thinking about all of the people I had lost, one of them being from suicide, just like the man on the screen. All of these feelings were rushing inside of me. And I was angry because I didn't know what to do about it.

That wasn't even the worst part. I was feeling a mixture of all of them at one point. I was guilty and sad because I had never grieved for any of the people I had ever lost, and I was angry at myself because of it.

I truly didn't know what to do.

I guess that I hadn't even noticed that I fell asleep.

It was completely black. I was surrounded by nothing but darkness, and that simple fact made my heart race. I didn't understand why I was so scared... I had never been afraid of the dark. Ever.

But what I saw when I turned around could very well make me terrified of darkness for the rest of my life.

It was Murphy. He was at the end of the tunnel. And, as I began to move closer, I could see a rope around his neck.

He looked so calm. Even as the voices began to echo in the air.

"Float him! Float him! Float him!"

"Bellamy, you should do it!"

"I know you're not a killer!"

"This is on you, Princess! You should've kept your mouth shut!"

But the worst part was when I heard the words he said to me.

"Thank you," Murphy whispered.

Then, as if I was speaking at that very moment, I heard my own voice. "For what?"

"For believing me," he said.

And that was right before the floor vanished out from under him, his strangled breaths lingering in the air.

I tried as hard as I could to get to him, but it was like something was holding me back. Like the hands that had been restraining me the day that they tried to murder Murphy.

"Murphy!" I yelled.

As his eyes began to glaze over, I knew that I was too late. And at that very thought, my heart broke.

I felt myself being shaken awake, and I gasped, suddenly shooting up in the bed and putting my back against the headboard as I breathed heavily.

"Hey, hey!" I heard Murphy shout as he tried to calm me down. When he put his hand on my forearm and started to rub it in an attempt to comfort me, it started to work. "Are you okay?"

"Y-Yeah... Yeah, I'm fine," I said, panting a little.

"You were screaming."

My breathing became steady eventually, and I put my hands over my face. "I'm sorry," I told him. "I haven't had a dream like that in months."

"Don't be sorry," he said, and I stayed quiet. I felt the bed sink down in front of me, and I moved my hands from my face to see him sitting at my feet. "It must've been pretty messed up. You wanna tell me what it was about?"

I bit my lip, unsure of whether or not I should. It would no doubt bring up bad memories. "Do you really wanna know?"

He nodded.

I looked down before I spoke. "It was about your hanging."

He looked at me, seeming stunned before suddenly swallowing. He scratched the back of his neck, and I could see that he was remembering the rope around his throat.

I felt tears begin to form in my eyes. "God, Murphy... You have no idea how scared I was."

"Why would you have been the one scared?" He asked. I bet that if it were anyone else, he would have responded much more rudely as well as angrily.

But no one else was here. It was just... Us.

"Because I thought I was going to lose you," I said. I was almost sure that I was on the verge of having a panic attack. "And I thought I was gonna die when I fell out of the boat, and I thought I was going to leave you behind, and I-... I didn't know what to do."

He stayed quiet for a second, then took my hand in his when he saw the state I was in. "Yeah, well... I felt the same way when I had a rope around my neck," he paused, then continued. "Ven, I was gonna die. I could feel it," he whispered, moving closer to me. "But then you stopped it. You're the only reason I'm here right now, you need to know that."

I didn't know what to say. He had never opened up about how he felt that day. Not to anyone.

Murphy moved so that he sat beside me on the bed, my seemingly cold hand now encased in his warm one.

"Murphy," I whispered. "Tell me something."

"What?" He asked, raising a brow.

"Before my mom died, she said that the one thing I could always keep holding onto was her, but now that she's gone..." I licked my lips before continuing. "Give me something that I can hold onto forever and never let go."

"Me," he said after a few moments of silence. He held my hand a little tighter afterwards. "You can hold onto me."

I stayed quiet for a few seconds, biting my lip a little, then smiling softly. "Perfect," I whispered.