PROLOGUE: Ignorance is Bliss. Really it is.
April 16, 2013
I've been through this before. It is horrible, time consuming and exhausting. Most of all, after it's over, I have to face the world with nothing. Emotionally strung out and look forward. It's like having a knife in the gut, twisting for the months in bed. Painful, enough that suicide becomes a viable option. Draining, worse that having vacuum sucking the strength and power out of my body. And mentally exhausting, knowing every step before it happens. Memorizing every agonizing step, the numbness to the dizziness, to feeling the uselessness. Slowly losing the ability to do basic tasks like cooking, cleaning, or walking. Because it hurts both physically and mentally. The stabbing pains to the fear of never getting better or worse knowing no one is there to rely on. Knowing that in the end, even the family I love can't help, instead only making it more difficult.
Living months of life in bed, wishing upon a star or anything, hoping that it's better. Wanting to believe the carp people say about "the sun will shine" and "it gets better" to be true but not having the heart to believe it. I remember every single detail. Looking into the mirror, seeing shadows as deep as the ocean hanging from my eyes giving contrast to my pale unhealthy glow my skin has acquired from lack of sunlight and reflecting the signs of malnutrition. The malnutrition that becomes my friend in those months. And will become my friend once again. Soon.
Because I don't need to be psychic. I know what is going on in my body. I know who I will become in the following months. I know and it scares the hell out of me, because I can't do anything to stop it.
