Winners and Losers

twenty nine

"wow, you've been crying for now twenty minutes."

"Shut up, Tanner."

"it's alright. i did say that i'd be your shoulder for the day. so, how about you start telling your shoulder about your day? let's get all deep inside your mind and figure out why you've been crying for this long."

"Tanner. That's really creepy. I'd rather not tell you about myself."

"c'mon! we're all friends here. let's go sit and have some weird feelings session! let's get all chick flick moment!"

"Oh my gosh, you're so weird."

"hey, i got you to laugh! that's something, alright. so, how about we do this brookie? when did you start feeling really sad?"

"Tanner, this is really ridiculous. If we're going to talk about myself, at least let me talk to your face rather than your shoulder!"

"why? what's so weird with talking to my shoulder?"

"It's really weird, Tanner. Can you let me talk to your face, please?"

"alright, alright, i see your point. since, i'm now looking right at you; want to tell me why you're feeling sad and when this happened?"

"Tanner, I don't know. Since, you're my shoulder or rather you're my shrink right now; why don't you tell me when?"

"well, now we have denial and off topic lists.  well, at least we're starting to get some progress."

"Yep."

"okay. since you asked me so very nicely, i'll answer your question."

"Alright. I'm listening."

"so, i'm going to predict here that you're feeling these emotions because of: a) you had a very depressing childhood. or b) you're starting to feel the withdrawals of carson around you. i'm going to go out on a limb here and say that b is correct. since, you seem to have a pretty nice childhood."

"Alright. Do you have any proof, Tanner? Cause' without any proof, you don't really exactly know if I truly miss Carson or if I really had a nice childhood."

"easy. you sleep talk in your sleep."

"What?"

"i believe your exact words were to be 'carson, i'm sorry. please come back to me. i can change! i'm changing, already. i miss you. please, carson. don't leave me all alone."

"so? how about that for proof, brookie?"

"........"

"heh, seems like i was correct. why don't you just talk to him?"

"No. I can't do that."

"why?"

"Because."

"because why?"

"Just because!"

"brookie."

"Fine! It's because if I tell him that, then he'll realize how much I actually care for him. He'll know how I actually want to be his friend still."

"is that a bad thing?"

"It's a horrible thing. I don't want him to know that's what I want. I don't want them to feel like he just won over me."

"why?"

"Because when I admit this he'll win. He'll realize just how much I care for him and just how right he was. Then, when I admit this and we become friends again, he's going to leave me all over again and I'll always be the one to just feel stuck. He'll give up on me and I just can't deal with that anymore. I can't handle that."

"hm."

"God when did I ever ask for this? Never. I never did. I never asked to be treated like some garbage. I never even said that I wanted to have to deal with any of these things. I never wanted any of this ever in my life. I just wanted to live a quiet life. I just wanted PEACE and QUIETNESS.

I never even asked for people to give up on me! It's not my fault that I can be difficult sometimes. I know who I am. I know what type of person I am. I know I can be such a pain. But I never ever asked to be left or to be given up on. I don't want this anymore. I don't want ANYBODY to ever do this to me again. I'm done. I'm so fed up and just done with this treatment.

Does anybody even ever ask me how I'm feeling Tanner? Nobody does. You want to know how I feel? I feel so bloody scared and so bloody angry. I'm so scared of people just up and leaving me. I'm terrified of being all alone by myself. I can't do that. I can't be by myself. I'm terrified that if I even do -- my thoughts will take control of me and make me do unspeakable things. And that's what scares me, doing something drastic, doing something, anything! I'm terrified of that happening. I'm so terrified. I just don't want this anymore. I just -- no, I want people to stay with me! I want people to not give up on me. I don't want to be alone. I don't want it! I don't want it! I don't want it!"

"brookie, it's okay. it's okay."

"Tanner, is it really okay? Don't lie to me. Don't do what millions of others have already tried doing to me. I can't deal with YOU out of anyone doing that to me. I JUST CAN'T!"

"brookie. would i ever lie to you? i will never ever use my lips to say a lie to you. you really are going to be okay brookie. why? easy, because i'm here now and i know how you feel."

"Y-You will?"

"always, brookie. i'll even marry you if you want to prove to you just how dedicated i am to you."

"R-Re-Really?"

"really."

"O-Ok-Okay."

"you feeling any better now?"

"J-Ju-Just a bit."

"I-I don't want to be alone."

"i know, brookie."

"I-I really don't want to be alone."

"i know."

"I-I really do miss Carson."

"i know."

"I-I-I miss him so much, Tanner."

"i know."

"I miss him so much that it hurts. M-My heart - it really hurts Tanner. A-Am I dying? A-Am I going to be all alone?"

"shh, no, brookie it's going to be all alright. i'm right here. i'm here, for you. i'm not leaving you. i'm never going to leave you."

"........."

"shh, it's going to be all okay now brookie."

"..........."

"i promise you that i won't leave you like the others. i promise."