Domineering

Thirty-Three

I wake up, disorientated and confused about how I ended up on the sofa. I cover my eyes with my hands to block the bright sunlight that is coming through the windows. When I remove my hands from my face the sunlight is now blocked by a figure. From the curly outline of the hair, I know who it is immediately. I jump up and stride over to me. Just before I reach him I lose my footing and stumble to the floor, jolting myself awake in bed.

It felt so real. It was as if he was right in front of me.

Out of all of the bad dreams I've had, this has been the worst. It's as if my body and brain hate me. I care sleep but as soon as I'm unconscious my brain torments me with bad dreams. It's a cycle I know too well.

I keep getting flashbacks of things I don't want to remember.

Gun shots.

Harry unconscious on the couch.

Fists colliding with my body.

People dying.

It would be a lot easier if memories were like a computer and you could just wipe out the things you don't want to remember.

It would be easier if I didn't have to have therapy.

It would be easier if Harry was here.

Stop.

Stop thinking about him. It won't make anything better.

~

"River?" I snap out of my string of thoughts and stare at Harley. I must have zoned out.

"Sorry" I don't know why I'm apologising.

"You look troubled River, what are you thinking?"

"I'm just trying to organise my thoughts"

"Organise them?" Harley repeats.

"Yeah, there's a lot going on in my head right now, makes it hard process stuff"

"Setting goals can create focus River. Have you considered doing some drawing? Or going for a run? These productive activities encourage change River. They could be a positive step."

"I don't know, maybe I'll go for a walk later, am I allowed to?"

"Of course you are River, I'll talk to Liam or Niall about it. I'm going to give you some sleeping tablets as Niall and Liam have told me that you've been restless over the past few weeks. It's just for a week and then I'll determine whether to continue them. We'll have another session tomorrow but might I suggest that you get out of the house for a walk today as staying inside all the time won't help you."

As soon as the session is done I retreat to the library and continue to sort through the books instead of going outside. By the time dinner comes around I have organised all the titles beginning with 'A-C'.

When I get to the dining room Liam, Niall and Harley are sat waiting for me. It's weird seeing Harley here in an informal setting where he isn't pestering me about my thoughts and feelings. It doesn't make me like him anymore.

~

It takes approximately forty six steps to get from the front door of the house to the end of the boat dock. There are enough beds for 40 people, but only enough plates and cutlery for just over half of that. There are four workers on this island, three female and one male. I've barely spoken to them and I don't even know their names. They've cooked and cleaned for me for a month and I don't even know their names. It's careless and selfish yet it doesn't even bother me.

There are only so many times I can count the steps to the dock. There are only so many times you can count anything. There are only so many times I can go to the library to seek entertainment.