A day in the life - scomiche

Nonsense

I am not sure how much sense this will make. I am not even sure I can explain this properly in words. But I've been bottling this up for so long and I need to say this somewhere because if I don't, I think I might explode.

Rambling. I'm rambling already. Can you tell I'm drunk? I've got less than half a bottle sitting next to my laptop, and I've been trying to start writing this stupid thing for the better part of an hour. But that's besides the point.

He's not here. Out, on a date, I think. Okay, that's okay. He just looked so good, in his black jeans and cute blazer and red nails, and

This is already such a mess, and it's not going to get better so I'm sorry. I'm not eloquent but that's what the liquor is for, right? I think I'm scared to start because once I start talking about him I'm not sure I'll be able to stop. He's-

No. I'm going to start over. Forgive me.

Can you love someone so much it hurts? Can you want them so deeply that you feel them in every breath, every heartbeat? So much you're sure it's not healthy? They mean more than the world to you, more than the universe. It is possible? How can one person hold so much power over someone? How?

It's scary, how much he means to me. It's scary how high the pedestal is that I've got him on. He represents hope and possibility and bravery and realized dreams. It's scary, how much I want his notice, his recognition, his ready smile. I try to hide my feelings from everyone, as if they're something to be ashamed of, because aren't they? He'll never want me that way. He'll only ever see how wrong we are for each other.

I miss him when he's gone; I miss him when he's sitting next to me. Does that make sense? I only mean that I miss what we could have but don't. Perhaps miss is not exactly the right word because it's not like we've ever had something like that. Should I stop now? I'm not sure I can...

I can't understand this. I can't understand this. I love him. So much it's hard to breathe. So much my entire being aches for him. How does he not see that? I would do absolutely anything for him, whether it's possible or not.

And I just don't know.. I can't help wondering what's wrong with me. Is this normal? I feel like a freak. He doesn't love me. I really need to get over this, but-

Being around him makes me relax but also tense in the best, most uncomfortable way. Just seeing him makes my every day happier but also kills me. It hurts like anything and I hate myself most days, and yet somehow I would not trade it for the world. It's addicting, somehow, this feeling of spiraling out of control, not being able to think clearly. I love and hate the way his eyes make me forget my train of thought, the way I blush when he smiles for me, the way we flirt and I pretend that it's real. It's embarrassing and amazing, beautiful and horrible, something so precious to me and yet something worthless to all eyes but my own.

I've seen people sometimes compare the person they love to a drug, or to oxygen. For me, it's not that simple. He's sunlight, he has this power to light up the world around him, to make everything brighter. I have trouble seeing shadows around him, like just being in the same room as him makes me feel better and worry less. Maybe it's just me, but I swear he has that effect on people. He's that warm summer breeze, refreshing and cool but also full of warmth and brimming with happiness. He's the bright leaves in the fall - so pretty, so flamboyant, so unique. He's the quiet shy of a forest. He's the wisdom of a Sunday evening rain. He knows his own self to a degree I could never match. He's achingly perfect.

It terrifies me how utterly and completely true this is, but here it is. He is..

...He's my everything

* * *
Hi, um. This is.. different from all my other stuff. Like very different. Originally I only wrote this to get it off my chest, and not to publish, but here I guess. Most of it is unedited (I did some to make sure it was not completely incoherent), and it's raw, and well, this is me, guys. This is sort of how I think and sort of how life is, does that make sense? If you read this, you know me better, how about that?

I hope you liked it anyway?? Lol

And I'm only one of many but... Happy Birthday Mitch!!! I love you baby (don't tell ppl but this was for you) Love me forever?

-Rue