Never Said Goodbye {Sequel to Another Summer Romance}

Chapter 28- Old Home

"How I coped?"

"Yes. Tell me about the coping methods you've tried, if they were successful, if they helped."

Now that I think about it, I didn't really have any coping methods. Besides crying my heart out in the darkness of the night or striving to feel numb, there wasn't anything. "I didn't really do anything," I admitted.

"Andy, you were in a distraught state. Everyone who has confronted a tragedy has dealt with it at some point or another without even noticing it. How did you deal with all your tragedies?"

"Then does attempting suicide count as coping?" I quietly mumbled.

And there it was. The big bomb. As soon as I said the words, I could literally hear Dr. Brown's breath getting caught in her throat. It's a subject I'm not proud of nor something I ever want to talk about. I've never told anyone about what I tried to do and only two people know what I've attempted. It's embarrassing when people know. It really emphasizes how worn out I got and it was a moment I'm not proud of and never will be. I hate myself for getting that weak that I actually wanted to end my life. I don't know what I was thinking. Or maybe I wasn't even thinking. Maybe I was that shut down that I didn't even realize how I was walking on a tightrope and how close I was to falling off. It's crazy to think I was ever like that.

"You attempted suicide?" Dr. Brown clarified.

I meekly nodded. "Yes."

"How many times?"

"Just twice."

"How did you try to attempt?"

I gulped. "Um, once by overdosing on medication drugs and the other time by over speeding while driving."

"When did you try to execute these attempts?"

I gulped again, knowing that I was going to be in deep trouble once I tell her. "The first time when my parents died when I was thirteen. And then the other time, um, it was just a little over a year ago when I was sixteen when my second boyfriend left me."

The whole time I was talking, I was looking down. I didn't want to see Dr. Brown's expression. I mean, I'm not her only patient and I'm sure numerous of other patients have attempted to do the same thing as I did. It's disappointing, really, how many people feel the need to end their lives, me included before. I know that the world is a wonderful place and despite of every tragedy there is, there will always be a new possibility and new chances to heal. I hate how I let myself be blinded by everything I've been through to let me forget that. How could I forget?

But I can't look at Dr. Brown's expression. I know what it is because I've seen it a few times- the hurt, the pity, the sympathy, the guilt. I won't be able to handle seeing it again, especially after not seeing it for so long.

"Just a little over a year ago," she repeated, and I can almost detect the disappointment in her voice. I was doing so well opening up to her and now I feel like maybe I just let her down. "Andy, that's very close to date to where we are now."

"I know that, but I promise I'm better," I said frantically, finally looking up at her face. And there it is. The expressions I know so well. "Dr. Brown, you have to believe me. I'm over everything that's happened to me. You said so yourself that I am!"

"Andy, that was before I found out about this," she said sympathetically. "You saying you're over everything, but then doing something that shows otherwise are two completely different things."

"Dr. Brown, please, believe me. I am better!" I begged, and I'm pretty sure I was close to tears. "I've only attempted it twice. And ever since the second time I've done it, I haven't tried since. That's a whole year!"