NHL Imagines

Dougie Hamilton (CF)

   So this is a different kind of imagine, and I would just like to say that even though this does not deal with self harm, that this may be triggering for some. 

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   Dougie and I had just settled in to beautiful Calgary. The sunsets here were beautiful, the people here were so kind, but best of all, Dougie was happy. I might not have been happy, but I never was, my depression had always gotten the best of me. Dougie wasn't upset about his time spent in Boston, nor was he ungrateful, but he was frustrated. After a few years he felt that Boston wasn't clicking with him and he wanted a new start, so here we are. Dougie and I had just got an apartment here and we were currently unpacking our things.

   "Hey, Y/N, do you know where my box of..." He trailed off when he noticed me standing in front of the bathroom mirror.

   "You okay?" He said, sounding concerned.

   "...I think I found a lump on my breast..." I said, voice shaking and tears threatening to spill.

   "oh no- no, want me to call the doctor?" He spoke. He sounded just as nervous as me, but only I could sense the fear encasing my whole body.

   I simply nodded my head, unable to speak. I finished getting dressed from my shower and went to sit down on our bed. Why me? I was only 22, so why was I getting breast cancer? No, maybe it's just a cyst. Hopefully it's just a cyst.

  Dougie finished talking to the local hospital and came and sat down on the bed with me.

   "You have to go in tomorrow morning at 9... don't fret Y/N, maybe it's just a cyst! You'll be fine and even if it happens to be cancer, I'll be with you every step of the way, even if it means taking a year off of hockey." He said, tears brimming his eyes.

   I faintly smiled rolled over on the bed, waiting for tomorrow to come.

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   It was 8:50am on a Friday morning, and I was in a hospital waiting room. Dougie was meeting with the Flames staff and I was by myself. I wanted to be by myself.

   "Ms. Y/L/N? 9 o'clock appointment." A nurse about my age called me in to a doctors office.

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   I was driving back to our apartment when I decided to stop for some Starbucks. It may have been 10:30 in the morning, but I just got confirmed for a lump, had a mammogram and was scheduled for a biopsy, I think I deserve a frap.

   When I got back to the apartment Dougie was sitting on our couch watching sportsnet. He stood up to give me a hug, but the minute his arms enclosed around my body I lost it. I wasn't confirmed for cancer, nor was I confirmed for a cyst, but I was young and I was afraid that I wasn't going to get to do any of the things I wanted to do before I died. I probably wasn't going to die, but the possibility was certainly there and I had always thought the worse. That day we lid on the couch and watched rom-com's all day, ordering out for Chinese food later in the day.

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   *phone ringing sounds*

   "Hello? No this is her boyfriend- mhmm, tomorrow sounds great, thank you." I could hear Dougie on the phone in the kitchen from our bedroom and as he walked back in the room I pretended I didn't hear him.

   "Sweetie, you have a doctors appointment tomorrow at 3." He spoke, still with his morning voice that I loved so much, I groaned and looked at the clock. It was only 9:30, so I flipped over my pillow and turned to face Dougie, who looked worried. I gave him a slight smile to show I acknowledged him and cuddled into his chest. ready to fall back asleep.

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   It was cold in the doctors office, everything was grey and industrialized, cold looking and haunting. It was my 3 o'clock appointment and this time, I had Dougie by my side.

   "Alright, well how are you feeling?" The doctor asked. He was a tall man who looked twice my age at least.

   "I'm okay." I lied. I was a wreck both mentally and physically. I was depressed and I wanted to sleep forever, whatever I had, taking me or not.

   "Well that's good, I have some bad and some good news for you."

   "What is it?" I asked, already knowing the answer to his question. I was dying and at this moment, without Dougie, I wanted to be dying.

   "You have breast cancer, but luckily it's only stage 2, so some chemo and a few radiation sessions will treat it. I'm sorry."

   I didn't even cry, or shudder. I knew I was dying and quite frankly, I wanted too. It wasn't because of the cancer, it was because of the way I felt, I had never felt like a normal person, and Dougie had said he loved it. But it took a toll on me and neither medications or therapy was working and I was sick of being a vegetable every day.

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   We drove home and I slept like a baby, I was to start taking chemotherapy pills every day, but as the days went by a pill would be flushed. I loved Dougie, I really did and it wasn't him, it was me. I didn't deserve to put him through this daily, so 3 months into my treatment I wrote him a note and placed it in a box in our closet that was titled "In case I don't make it".

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   Five months later I passed away, but every day since then I've watched over Dougie. He was struggling, but he was surviving better than I would've been.

   He would curse and scream every day for the first month, wondering what he could've done to keep me around, he threw the box with the engagement ring against the wall daily and cried, thinking that if he had asked me sooner, if I would still be around. It wasn't until he discovered the box in our closet that he stopped blaming himself for my death. It wasn't that I didn't love Dougie, I loved him with all my heart, but I didn't love myself. I didn't want to continue life as a girl who didn't want to be there. The letter I wrote Dougie was truly my last goodbye. It let me confirm to myself that what I was doing was going to happen. Of course I had worries of pain and suffering, but I knew that I'd be happier and better off; and I was. I was finally happy and I knew that Dougie could eventually have his true happiness.

 "Dear Dougie, my handsome, kind and talented boy,

I loved you so much. Call is cheesy, but you're my sunshine and my life, You were the reason I woke up in the morning. I miss you more and more every day, but I know that what I did was for the best. I didn't want to bring you down with me. When we met 7 years ago I thought that you were the typical hockey boy, but was I ever wrong. You were the most joyful man, and you treated me so delicately. You were sweet and kind, the way i invisioned my prince to be, but I could not love you the way I wanted and that;s why i had to do this. I loved the way you held me, we fit together like a glove, and Dougie, I promise you this, I did not die from cancer, I died from sadness. I'm sorry. Forever and ever, I love you. This was not your fault, just a battle with my own mind and body that I lost. Please move on.

                                       Forever your sweetpea and snuggle buddy."