Dearest, In My Memories | JAECHAN

twelve.

Dear Jaeyoon,

6:00 A.M. — Sleepless nights is what I'd define as my solace, so I can keep you close to my beating heart as a means to comfort you. You’ve been struggling to sleep these days, waking up in a sweat and a sharp gasp for breath—as if being deprived from your lungs as a punishment for trying to push forward with your life.

I’m scared. Normally, I’d be sleeping away, assured by your reassurances that you’re okay, yet I know- I know you’re not. And that’s what scares me, Jaeyoon. What if I fall asleep one night and wake up to your soundlessly still state?

10:47 A.M. — I wish I could help you.

12:16 P.M. — You scared me ):

12:51 P.M. — I picked up your prescriptions. 1-2 beta blockers a day, preferably one in the morning and one at night; or, one in the morning, and the other during dinner time. Also, 5mg of calcium channel blockers. Never heard of calcium channel blockers… I’ll have to do some reading.

1:05 P.M. — You’re sound asleep. I made sure your chest is falling and rising. I think the medicine’s working… I gently pressed my ear to your chest, and your heart isn’t accelerated. I’m glad… but that also means, you have to keep taking this medication for awhile.

It’s also rather comforting to know what stage you’re at. Somewhere along stage 2 and stage 3. Nothing too serious yet… I just hope you don’t slip into stage 3… I have more reading to do. I want to be informed, so if you suddenly see my letter filled with so much information rather than me talking about the day… that’s why!

4:58 P.M. — I haven’t seen you this lively in awhile. I’ll have to thank Seokwoo and Juho for stopping by. They brought some pastries, to which I sadly had to limit your intake, but it’s okay. They’re there for the next few days, my love.

While you and Juho played on the Wii, Seokwoo joined me in cooking. Neither of us knew what we were making, so Seokwoo looked me in the eyes and whispered, “What if… we make bulgogi?”

I raised my eyebrow at him. “Bulgogi? I don’t even have the meat for it-”

“I’ll go to the store real quick,” he spat back, and I couldn’t argue with him if he’s offering to buy it himself. That’s why he left earlier, leaving you and Juho confused.

So once he came back, we prepared bulgogi- well, he did. As for me, I made some white rice and a simple salad to go with the bulgogi. I think you enjoyed it though, and it wasn’t too salty, which is the good thing. (I may have done some reading already… it says to limit sodium intake, which is salt, right?)

I should stop worrying so much; you wouldn’t like it, would you? I don’t want it to dictate my lifestyle, and I want you to live normally, even if you have these minor setbacks for now.

I love you.

7:21 P.M. — Youngkyun stopped by and brought some rice cakes since he accidentally bought more than what he wanted. You'll probably ask, “how does one accidentally buy too many rice cakes?”

Well, you'd be surprised. He told me, “I wanted to try to do what the kids are doing these days… ordering online so it can get delivered…”

And I said, “So how did that go?”

He sighed and glanced away, almost embarrassed: “Well, I misread the description.. and I thought it said it only had 1 rice cake per package… but I wanted a package of 20, since you usually see those in stores.”

“Okay…” I said.

“Well,” he facepalmed. “I bought 20 packets… and that's how I ended up with 400 rice cakes…”

Youngkyun’s so silly, but he's trying his best. Anyway, he brought you 3 packets in case you get confused why there's suddenly some on the counter.

As for the other 17, he's splitting them with the others. I think he's giving Inseong 3, Sanghyuk 4, and Juho 4. So that leaves him with 5? I dunno, but you get the idea.

9:07 P.M. — I enjoy kissing you. I could taste your cherry chapstick on your bottom lip, sorry not sorry for the little nip I gave you :p

You're just too sweet.

I'll end here tonight. I hear your voice calling me for cuddles.

All yours,
Chanhee