The world as we knew was collapsing before our eyes. Slowly without us being able to do anything to prevent it. Our free will was taken away from us. We became puppets, controlled by a higher power. All we wanted was to escape, to cut the threads th...
- You are evil, I said as I poured another load of soil over her. Therefore I will bury you alive. So you can't use that evil.
When I looked down over the edge, I saw her smiling at me sweetly. All this was a game to her, I knew that well. And I played along as the urge to suffocate her filled my body. The spade scooped up another batch of soil under my hands.
- Robin, she said and I hated when she took my name in her mouth.
- Unite with me. I can feel how close I am to hell from here. Don't you want to feel how it feels? Her words reach me and i wanted to follow her words, but instead I narrowed my eyes at the temptation.
A temptation I couldn't understand. Because it didn't seem to belong to myself. A new load of earth fell on her. I wanted so deeply see her dead and buried. But she wouldn't let me. Her words caressed my body and drew me to her. All the time she seemed fully aware of her influence on me. Because she never tried to fight back.
Sod after sod rained down on her and she got deeper and deeper into the ground. When I witnessed how her body disappeared, my body filled with a panic so strong that I couldn't stop myself. Desperately, I jumped into the pit and began to dig her out. When her mouth became visible, a weight lifted off my chest. I felt lost.
"I love that you hate me," her words came back to me.
The ground beneath us vibrated as I leaned forward towards her. So close to hell. So consumed by the hate. My lips approached hers. It tasted of earth.
- Use me, said the voice in my ear. Use me as you please.
I wanted to silence her with my own hands. Choking the last life out of her. But instead I let her hug me. Letting her push me so close to her that I could feel every part of her body.
I hated myself for this desire. In my head another life flickered before me. A hand that wrapped itself around me. A face so close to mine I could feel its breath against my skin. A smell of warmth. My hair in someone else's hand: "-Have your hair up rather than keep throwing it away. It's so annoying when you do that."
Don't take the sun away from me. Don't make my life dark again. Beatrice wraps her arms around my body. Her eager hands that tore at my clothes.
- Let me feel you inside me, her moaned words filled my ear. Earth crunched in my mouth.
Don't take the light away from me. The body over me is so heavy I can hardly breathe.
- What would your grandmother say about you now?
Suddenly it was as if someone threw a punch across my face. Roughly, I pushed away Beatrice, who was sitting over me.
- I can't breathe, I gasped. A weight over my lungs made it impossible for me to take in oxygen. Panicked, I crawled out of the grave. Saw the starry sky above me and reached desperately towards it.
The first bit I crawled on all fours. In my mind I saw the beloved face of my deceased grandmother. "Why are you so angry?", she asked with open arms. I reached for her arms. The ground beneath me was cold. A chill that spread through my entire body. Beatrice's voice echoed in the back of my head but I tried to resist.
The few meters I needed to reach to grandma's grave felt like miles. One second I took a step forward only to regret it seconds later. Behind each tombstone I saw Beatrice's dark eyes calling to me. And with my whole body I struggled against. It was a pain that seemed to tear me apart. If only I could caress grabdmas engraved name in her tombstone, one last time. Feel the smell of lavender in my nostrils. If only for one last time.
How lost could a man be? How could one struggle between two wills so persistently? When I saw her familiar tombstone, I felt a lump in my throat. I could find my way here in my sleep and I did that today too, despite this darkness. The lavender nodded in the wind. I saw how the weeds surrounded the plant. How neglected my beloved grandmother's grave was after weeks of absence. It couldn't be helped as the cry congested in my throat. It pecked at my attention and I didn't have the strength to resist any longer.
The tears welled up like a broken faucet. Nothing could comfort me now as I lay half on the grass where grandmother was buried years ago.
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- Help me, I whispered to the cold stone in front of me. Please help me. I sobbed as the tears came pouring out. It felt like the tear duct had burst with something inside me.
Back then I was an abandoned child. With a father who never showed me his face. And a mother who was never there. Alone, I lay there screaming for a grandmother who had left the world a long time ago.
- Help me, I breathed out between my tears.
An arm was placed under my body. Lifted my heavy body off the ground. I was barely conscious when this happened. With strong hands under me, I lay with my cheek against a pounding heart. My tears continued to fall despite the reassuring feeling the hug gave me. Despite the smell of warmth. Of warmth and orange.
The rustle of bedding. Arms around my body. I can't stop shaking. I feel like I have a fever. In and out of consciousness.
- Gabriel, I almost scream in despair. Hands hug me tighter. His hair tickles my face.
- I'm here, he whispers.
It can't be helped, I let go of all inhibitions and crawl closer. Placing my cheek against his bare torso, listening to his heartbeat.
I'm often back there underground. Feel hands pulling me down. Dirt between my teeth. No air pocket, just gallons of hard packed soil above my body. Hell opening beneath me. The fire that licks my bare body. Those dark eyes that make me drown. Tearing me apart and together. I found myself in the dark, gasping in horror.
Desperately reaching for someone in the dark. After a hand that in recent nights has always held a steady hold on me. But now I can't find him. I call his name, I call him with such desperation in my voice. The only one who can protect me, the only one who can make me calm. The door opens and a streak of light blinds me for a moment. Then I feel his presence.
"I will never die, I will come back to you as a guardian angel Robin", grandmother's thin hand in mine. The wrinkles played in it. It surrounded such security.
"But guardian angels also exist here on earth. Look for them. You can find them in the hand of a loved one".
Grandma always wanted me to find someone I cared about who would be there for me when she passed away. When the safe hands were hugging my shoulders, I collapsed where I sat.
- Angel Gabriel, I breathed into his ear. I could almost feel him smile.
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