He who holds the strings

Chapter 6 - Part 3

I reacted by becoming completely stiff throughout my body. So he was awake after all? I tried a to break free from his grip but it was impossible.

- What are you talking about? I said. His breath against my neck.

- You and Vendela? Gabriels voice was slurring and although I was drunk myself he seemed to be in a worse shape than me.

Would I take the opportunity? He probably wouldn't even remember this conversation tomorrow. In my drunken state, I wanted to talk about her, about our relationship, more than anything else at the moment. When I was in the middle off everything, I couldn't confide in anyone, even if they were asked questions. Nonchalantly, I had shrugged my shoulders when "friends" asked why  we brooke up. But the need had been there, I had just ignored it. So now the words just flowed out of me while I thought I was talking to a drunk and sleeping person.

- Vendela and I met through a mutual friend. I had never been interested in either girls or relationships before, but then I met her. She fell in love with me without me having to do anything to impress her. Maybe that's why I started something with her. It was all so simple, she fell in love and I thought I felt the same.

I felt Gabriel's heavy breathing and assumed he was asleep. But I didn't stop there:

- I tried to be the perfect boyfriend, the kind you see in movies. Gave her gifts, confirmed her in everything she did and was. I fell silent for a moment. Felt such sadness when I remembered, a sadness I hadn't felt in a long time.

- She often said in the beginning off our relationship that she felt so special. You know, she was the one I lost my virginity to. I thought for a little while that she was the one I would spend the rest of my life with. And I told her that.

I have often wanted to go back to that very moment. When I was in her arms that time and felt like I finally belonged to someone. Just for that moment. The next day I questioned everything again, but just for that moment. Then everything was complete.

- No matter how hard I tried to maintain that "perfect boyfriend" image, it eventually fall apart, even Vendela could see that. Because everything felt fake to me, nothing was never real. And she deserved better.

The stars above us twinkled. Silence settled over us like a blanket. It was just me, my memories and the stars listening in the night. And I remembered life before. I remembered the feelings I tried to repress. I remember how lost I was, even how much I tried to convince myself that I knew exactly where I was going.

- Shit, said the voice behind me suddenly.

I flinched at his voice. Didn't think he was awake. Defeated, I lay back on my back with his arm still across my chest.

- So you're awake? I whispered up to the sky. I got a long drawn out "Mhmmm" in response.

Silence fell over us and I landed in a feeling of neither shame that he heard everything I said nor relief at getting them off my chest. As the stars twinkled at me up in the vaulted sky, I felt nothing.

- So wait... you've only slept with one girl? Gabriel murmured against my shoulder.

I don't know why, but i burst out laughing after his word. So typical of him. That he would react to that the most. As i was lying there beside him laughing, I felt Gabriel's grip on me tighten.

I fell silent shortly thereafter. Suddenly the person next to me came to life, he sat halfway up and looked down at me.

- I don't understand... he said. His voice sounded more sober now than before. My eyes were now used to the darkness so I saw him quite clearly against the sky. I frown and ask: