The world as we knew was collapsing before our eyes. Slowly without us being able to do anything to prevent it. Our free will was taken away from us. We became puppets, controlled by a higher power. All we wanted was to escape, to cut the threads th...
In my mind I heard his voice going around like a mantra: "Don't let hate get to your head" What did he mean by that? Hate was the only thing I knew. It's easier to let the hate and angry run through my body than to see what lies beneath the surface. Frustrated, I threw the backpack away and stood up.
Between these stone walls I couldn't breathe, I needed to get out. When the wind tore my hair out there on the church steps, I felt at ease. My eyes often wandered to where my grandmother's tombstone was. Something held me back from going there. The whole point of going here was to get closer to Grandma, but now that I was standing here, I couldn't move a single muscle.
- Do you want me to come with you? Gabriel's voice behind me. I spun around and looked at him. How he stood leaning against the door frame, waiting for my answer.
My whole insides wanted to scream "Yes" but it would only prove that I needed him. And I had never depended on anyone. I went my own way. I was my own person. I never needed anyone's support. My independence didn't allow me to feel or Think that though. So I buried my hands in my pockets and shook my head.
Gabriel quietly re-entered after my dismissal. My thoughts turned to his little sister, who passed away far too soon. Why didn't I ask him about it? Where was she buried? Because I wanted, even if I didn't quite admit them to myself, to go with him to her grave one day. What did he feel when he asked me recently? To be close, to participate in the grief. Support and comfort, be the shoulder to lean on. Aggressively I scratched my hair before marching back inside.
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The scene that met me brought me to a violent halt. In a bench near the entrance sat Gabriel and above him Beatrice stood leaning over him. Their faces were only inches apart. Her mouth was moving but I didn't catch what she was saying. An icy chill spread through my body. I felt a desire so strong to just push her away from Gabriel. I didn't want her to ruin his existence any more than she already did.
"Of all people, why did it have to be her when you know how I feel?", I wanted to throw those words in his face again. How could he? How could he let her get so close?
- What the hell? I almost screamed. Four eyes turned towards me.
I couldn't bear to stay put for one off them to answer, I just wanted to run away. So I rushed to my room and slammed the door shut behind me. Before I had time to lay down on the floor to pull the covers over my head, I heard quick steps in my direction. The door flew open so violently that I was about to fall backwards. Gabriel stood there in the doorway, his breathing heavy.
- What's with you? he exclaimed as the door closed behind him with a click.
- What's with you? I repeated, looking accusingly at him. What's are between you and Beatrice?
The moment they both turned their faces towards me replayed inside my head. How her face had been so close to his. Another image flashed before me, the way her body was pressed closer to his, her hands over his chest. Then a kiss that I could only imagine in my head. Their lips against each other, their eyes closed enjoying the moment. I just wanted to scream, the need to scream was driving me crazy.
- Nothing is between us. She was the one who came up to me and asked how you were. Nothing else. I'm not interested in her that way.
- More, I said blankly and Gabriel repeated my words.
- Any more
I sat down on the floor, staring at the floor and trying to sort out my emotions. Gabriel followed my example. Sat down close to me so I could hear his breathing. When he then put his arm around me to pull me into a hug, I aggressively pulled away.
- Stop touching me all the time, I said in a louder tone than I expected.
Gabriel looked at me in shock. His mouth was half open in surprise. A voice echoed within me. A voice that excitedly asked me to touch him.
Touch the lips that Beatrice soiled. I could hear my heart pounding in my temples. The mouth that came closer, screaming for me to touch it with my own. The desire to be close. My body that was laid over his, my face that approached. Gabriel let me, he didn't move a muscle while all this was going on.
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Hungry, my lips met his. So hungry that I couldn't control myself. The lips were so soft under me, he tasted like the orange he had eaten before. How he took slit after slit and put them between those pink, thin lips. At first he had frozen in my arms from the shock, but gradually he softened enough that I could feel his embrace. I had his face in one hand, pressed his face as close as I could manage. It wasn't a gentle kiss I was after. My teeth slashed at him causing a cry of pain to erupt. Suddenly I ended up on my side while Gabriel covered his mouth.
- What the hell? he gasped.
His hand that witnessed the blood that erupted from the open wound in his lip. In my mouth I felt the taste of iron.
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Gabriel's brown eyes widened at my sight. I had hurt him. And now he was bleeding. Quickly I was on my feet and forced myself against the door. All I wanted was to apologize, but the words didn't come to me. Gabriel said my name, but I covered my ears. Just wanted to escape.
- I don't want to hurt you, I said in a muffled voice.
The voice didn't hold for me as I opened the door and stormed out. Feelings of flight made my feet move beneath me. Across the cold floor, forcing the heavy church door open beneath my hands, then the grass beneath my bare feet.
My eyes watered as I felt the weight in my chest. It hurt so bad I had to stop for a moment. For a still moment I had hoped so fervently that he had run after me. That he caught me and comforted my stormy feelings. But my longing was in vain, it was not him. Someone else was standing there behind me. Waiting.
