Repeating Apologies (A Johnnie Guilbert Fic)

I Don't Love You Anymore

"I hope you're happy because I don't know you anymore. You were a part of me and now you're just nothing but a memory."

I'm sitting at home, working on my CalArts application, waiting for it to be time to meet up with Riley. This whole time I've been overthinking on what to say exactly. 'Hey just wanted to say that I hate you and I hope you burn in hell.' No. I can't say that. The only reason I can't say that is cause...I don't feel any hate towards him. As weird as it is, I just haven't felt any hate, not even when I saw him with Sammi. What am I suppose to say? Do I forgive and forget? What do I do? This is usually the part where I call Blake for advice, but she's at work and couldn't take my call. I would call Seth or Nathan, but they're busy too. I would call Johnnie...but he's most likely sleeping. No surprise there. I sigh as I stare at the computer screen, trying to finish this application.

"Waddup sis." Hayley walks into my room and lays on my bed.

"What do you want Hayley?"

"Jeez can't come in your room and say hi anymore?"

I turn to face her. "Sorry, just been stressing out a lot lately." I take a break from filling out my application and sit on the bed.

"What's been bugging you?" She asks.

"Lots of things. This application for starters."

"Yeah well I'm lucky I don't have to worry about all that for another few years. Anyways, I know that's not what's bugging you."

"What are you psychic?"

"Nope. Just an awesome sister who knows when her sister is having problems. Is it Johnnie?"

"More like Riley."

"Riley? Didn't you guys break up? What did really happen?"

I never told anyone at home about what really happened between Riley and I. I never told them because I just wanted to move on from the whole thing and forget that me and Riley were ever a thing. But unfortunately I can't just forget. I decide to tell Hayley about what happened between us, knowing that I can trust her. I tell her everything including Riley bugging me while I was in LA, minus that whole thing with Johnnie of course.

"Well that freaking blows. I'm sorry you had to go through that." Hayley gives me a reassuring pat on the back. "To be honest, I never really liked Riley."

Really? Did no one like Riley?

"Well you don't have to worry about him anymore." I tell her. "I'm going to go talk to him and end things once and for all. Clear the air and well move on from the whole thing."

"I mean I guess. But are you really over Riley?"

And there's that question again. I feel like no one believes me when I say that I am, but it's true. And it's so hard to explain why I feel this way, why I am truly over Riley.

"Yes. I don't feel anything for him. No love, no hate, nothing. Johnnie didn't believe me at first when he asked me, but it's true. It's hard to explain."

"Maybe because deep down inside...you always wanted to be with Johnnie."

I look up to her. Where is she going with this?

"When we were at Playlist, I saw the way he looks at you. The way you look at him. It's like you were never broken up, like you two were always meant to be together. You guys click and it's pretty obvious. Maybe this whole Riley breakup was a good thing. It's like my mom always said, when one door closes, another opens. And behind that now open door, is Johnnie." She smiles to me.