Repeating Apologies (A Johnnie Guilbert Fic)

I Feel So

"Sometimes I wish I was brave. I wish I was stronger. Wish I could feel no pain. Wish I was young. Wish I was shy. I wish I was honest. I wish I was you not I."

We get to Johnnie's room and immediately I feel awkward as heck.

"Sooo...." He closes the door behind him.

"Sooo..." I repeat.

"You want to talk?"

"Um yeah." I walk to a nearby chair and sit. "I just wanted to say that...I want to be your friend again. I want to work on this friendship. I really do."

"But?" He says.

"But...it's just..."

"Skye. I get it." He says before I can say anything else. "I get that it's weird that I show up out of nowhere and expect everything to be fine. I know that we left off on bad terms and clearly are avoiding everything that was left unsaid." He pulls up a chair and sits in front of me. "So tell me."

"What?" I ask confused.

"I know you too well Skye believe it or not. I know when you're hiding something and I want you to tell me what you're thinking."

"I'm not."

"Skye. It's pretty obvious that you're not completely okay with me showing up after all this time and I know you need to tell me what you're feeling."

"I am not." I say a bit annoyed this time.

"Dammit Skye just tell me! I know you didn't just come here to just hang around. You need to tell me something, so tell me!"

"ALRIGHT!" I finally crack and get up from the chair. "YOU. ARE AN ASSHOLE! FOR JUST LEAVING ME LIKE THAT! FOR TELLING MY SECRETS AND ALL! I THOUGHT I WAS OVER ALL THAT BUT I'M NOT JOHNNIE! I'M NOT! I TRIED BURYING THAT IN THE PAST WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS NEVER GOING TO SEE YOU AGAIN! BUT HERE YOU ARE! AND I'M NOT OVER IT! AND I FUCKING HATE YOU FOR IT!"

Johnnie stands up and takes in every word I say.

"I. HATED. YOU. I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING AND YOU JUST THREW IT ALL AWAY AS IF NOTHING EVER HAPPENED! I HATE YOU! AND I-I...."

Without another word I hit Johnnie on his chest, reaching my breaking point. I do it again and again, finally letting out all of my frustrations and feeling the tears sting my eyes.

"I HATE YOU!"

I continue hitting Johnnie until he finally grabs my wrists, stopping me. I try to break free from his hold, but I can't. He holds me to a point where I'm completely frustrated and just break, finally letting out my tears. I've held all that in for a year. Never did I imagine ever letting go of all that anger I held in. Johnnie loosens his grip and lets my arms fall to my sides. He then slowly puts his arms around me and pulls me in for a hug. He just holds me. I finally pick my arms up and hug him back. This is the first time we're hugging. It's been so long.

"I know...what I did was stupid." He softly says. "What I did was the worst fucking thing I could have ever done. And I'm sorry. I really am sorry." I could feel his tears fall to my cheek. "If I could go back in time and stop myself from ever hurting you like I did, I would. In a heartbeat. I'm so sorry Skye. You have no idea how much I hate myself for doing what I did. You have every right to hate me"

"No Johnnie. I-I'm the one you should be hating. For hurting you."

"I don't hate you Skye. I never did. And I never will. I can't bare the thought of ever hating you. Ever. I know it's not easy to just forgive me like that and I'm not expecting you to. But I just want you to know that I'm sorry and I forgive you. I really do."