The world as we knew was collapsing before our eyes. Slowly without us being able to do anything to prevent it. Our free will was taken away from us. We became puppets, controlled by a higher power. All we wanted was to escape, to cut the threads th...
A shiver of discomfort at the sight went through me. Silently Gabriel and I walked side by side towards our bedroom. The words had stuck in my throat. I hated that our once easy friendship had turned into this. Normally, I would have avoided such a situation at all costs. Then I had deliberately stayed away until the other person gave up and stopped contacting me. Here I could not escape, here I was stuck in the confrontation. And I hated every second of it. Sweaty palms, how it lumped in the throat and refused to be swallowed.
Why couldn't we talk and joke like before? Just lighten the mood and carry on as before? Whose responsibility was it to break the ice? Apparently we had both chosen to just avoid talking. The man who lived in the room with us, apparently his name was Leo, was not in his bed. I swore silently to myself. His presence could have lightened the mood. Saved us from having to be alone for a moment like this. Without a word, Gabriel undressed with his back to me down to just his underpants. I myself kicked off my pants where I was sitting in bed. Then I crawled under the covers.
Whether I wanted to or not, my gaze was drawn to Gabriel's bare upper body. His brown skin, the tattoos that I never looked at closely but that I knew consisted of various motifs.
Oops! This image does not follow our content guidelines. To continue publishing, please remove it or upload a different image.
A large cross on the arm, white doves and other black designs. We had never talked about them, what it meant to him. Everyone had tattoos today so it never felt special. But now I was just thinking about it. On his skin. Irritated, I tore my eyes away from him. Stared down at my clasped hands in my lap.
Obscured by my hair, I repeatedly pulled them off while scraping at a cuticle. Lost myself for a while. That's why I jumped when I heard Gabriel's dark voice:
- Hair band, where did you get it? I nodded towards the dresser that stood between our beds.
- Second drawer.. what do you need that for for?
With quick movements he fished one up and then walked over to the edge of my bed. Before I could question his movements, he gathered all my hair into a sloppy bun on top of my head.
- Have your hair up rather than keep throwing it away. It's so annoying when you do that.
Gabriel threaded the rubber band over the fingers and set them in far too loosely. My hair was slowly but surely falling back down.
- Get a pair of scissors and cut it off instead, I said with a smile.
Finally one of us had cut through the heavy air between us. I saw the corner of Gabriel's mouth twitch too. He sat down on my bed and so opened a conversation between us.
- Sorry for getting so angry, I began as I pulled my knees up from under the covers and wrapped my arms around them.
This was the second time in just a few days that I had to crawl to the cross. As above as I was about to apologize. In front of him, I never felt like my usual self. It was like he brought out another version of me. A former me, which I have forgotten. Gabriel sighed loudly.
- I'm sorry too. I was drunk and stupid, he didn't look at me when he said that. And I expect we would both blame the alcohol. Because in a sober state we would never behave like that.
- Should we forget and move on? I put my chin on my knees. Then Gabriel turned with a serious look. His lips stretched into a line that would surely represent a smile.
- Sure, he said shortly. Those words should have been enough, but something still didn't feel right. When Gabriel stood up, I grabbed his wrist to stop him.
- I'm not gay, i quickly said. Gabriel pulled his hand and before my comment he laughed.
- Okay, he said shortly.
- So... I started and didn't really know how to save the situation.
- I'm not like you, I can't have sex with anyone... or I mean I don't have experience with... I don't usually do this kind of thing... I haven't had one-time sex... I...
It felt like I was deliberately just digging myself deeper and deeper into the soup. The words just tumbled out of me and I didn't really know what point I wanted to get to. Gabriel suddenly began to laugh, making me suddenly fall silent.
- Robin, calm down. Breathe. Stop making it a bigger deal than it is. It was a drunken mistake. Have you never had them before? His hand was placed over my knee.
Nervously I scratched my hair, not really knowing where to say. Then he lightly pats me over the covers and got up.
- I don't usually fool around with guys, so take it easy. I'm not going to jump on you when you're sleeping if that's what you're afraid of, he said.
I open my mouth to say something in response but regret it. So I contented myself with shaking my head.
- Okay, good. Can we drop this now? Gabriel laid down on his side.
I wished so deeply that I could bury myself in the bed. All I wanted was to let it go, erase it from my memory. My hands clutched the covers tightly.
- Do you mean what you said? If you come along? I said instead.
Then I finally got a genuine smile from Gabriel as he lay with his head on the pillow.
-Of course, he said off to his side.
-
- Gabriel is a Hebrew word meaning "Man of God" Angel Gabriel was one of the foremost angels. He and Mikael had the special task of being God's messengers to man, he explained with a serious expression. In the same spirit he continued:
-My mother named me after the angel Gabriel. He stands for knowledge and wisdom. Don't you think it suits me? he delivered a confident smile.
- It suits you perfectly, I replied. Angel Gabriel.
A few days had passed since that awkward evening. At first our conversations afterwards were awkward , but it quickly eased up. I tried not to think about what had happened. Instead of pretending everything was as usual. Soon we started talking and teasing each other as before. Lately we had gotten into fights repeatedly. And i was tired off it. Life was crap as it is right now, I didn't need to be burdened with heavier things.
Also, Gabriel was the only one in this place that I could stand to be around. When he wasn't provoking me with his spitting comments. Sometimes it felt like he was amused by egging me on. Which made me even more annoyed! But then we could have those deep conversations that I didn't want to share with anyone else. And then I understood how close he started to get into my life. It was terrifying, especially the fact that I let him.
- Do you think Mikael's mother named him after an angel too? I said wonderingly and glanced away at the man at the church. Gabriel followed my gaze but said nothing.
- Sometimes I wonder if he's part of all this, I murmured.
- Michael? He looked questioning.
- Yes, I think he knows exactly what is going on. When Mikael saw us standing on the lawn, he raised his hand in greeting. We both waved back.
- Maybe so, Gabriel said disinterestedly and walked away from me.
I was left with a hundred questions in my head. Should I try to pressure Mikael into an answer? Or should I stop "overanalyzing" everything like Gabriel said. But how could I not, given the situation? Without me noticing it, Beatrice had come up to me. The hand placed on my upper arm made me flinch. Frightened, I turned around. She giggled a little behind her hand at my reaction. As always, I wanted to snort at her, but I restrained myself.
- Tomorrow, she said. Meet me here and only take the most necessary things with you.
I wanted to ask her more, but by then she was already on her way. Her hair danced as she walked and I watched her for a long time. Tomorrow already. Was I really prepared for that?
