The world as we knew was collapsing before our eyes. Slowly without us being able to do anything to prevent it. Our free will was taken away from us. We became puppets, controlled by a higher power. All we wanted was to escape, to cut the threads th...
The minutes in the church just grew longer. I saw the back of Vendela's blonde head in front of me, Gustav was sitting in the row in front of me with a guy i didn't seen before. Gabriel was flipping through the psalmbook. Rustled the thin pages, added the red and gold silk ribbon to specific songs. We hadn't talked much today, not like we used to.
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I think he's a bit upset from the night before but I let him be. To be honest, I didn't feel like talking myself. But I hadn't left his side either. When he got up, I joined. We stood close to eachpther as we prepared our breakfast, then I followed him as he got up from the table.
Mikael had asked us to help carry and chop wood. We had done it together without any protests. Then we ended up here next to each other in the church. I could have chosen to follow Gustav, but it didn't feel right. I gave Gabriel a quick glance as he sat next to me, seeing how his eyes followed the verses being sung and how his lips moved. Gustav was my friend, but on my own terms.
But Gabriel, he was more. Therefore I did not leave his side. Because he was more. In the background I saw how he bent down towards me.
- We are meant to sing, he whispered close to my ear.
He held out his hands holding the psalmbook so we could share it. Pointed to the verse the congregation was on. My own book was on the bench beside me. I groaned quietly, but did as I was told, with the beginning of a smile in my lips.
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At the end of the service, something was announced that shocked me. A marriage, a wedding that would take place in a few weeks. I went stiff when the names were called out. In the bench in front of me, Gustav's eyes turned to the man at his side. A loving smile between them. As soon as people started moving, I was the first one out. I didn't mean to attract any attention, but I was so in need of air that nothing matter.
Quick steps over the gravel path to the back of the house. I sat down on a bench at the edge to be alone. In my head I tried to remember all the conversations I had with Gustav. Had he ever said anything about his personal life? Had I ever shown any interest in it? That he of all people would be in a serious relationship with someone of the same sex. It came as a shock to me. I couldn't connect the doots. And what I really couldn't understand was why I reacted so strongly about it?
My eyes pick up a movement nearby. Gabriel sat down next to me with his arms outstretched over the armrest.
- What happens? he said shortly. I leaned forward with my hands clasped between my legs.
- I didn't know that Hannes..., I began. When I didn't continue, Gabriel shamelessly filled in:
- Where gay? I snorted at his choice of words.
- So what? Gabriel continued. Why does that matter?
Actually, I didn't know the answer to the question. Maybe it bothered me that he had never told me. That he never felt comfortable enough to mention it to any of us. Although I didn't talk about dating or relationships, the others in our friendship group had. How could he hide such a thing from us? And why was it such a big deal? We lived in a different time where same-sex relationships were normal. We straight people never had to advertise our sexuality.
- Well, I have nothing against it, I begin.
The arm behind my head left its place and I saw Gabriel moving in the background. Then I laughed nervously.
- As long as I don't have to watch, the thought of two guys having sex just disgusts me, the words fall out of me. I didn't know where they came from and I wanted to take them back as soon as they came out of my mouth.
Quickly Gabriel stood up, I looked up at him in surprise.
- Don't you think they feel the same way with a man and a woman together? his voice was harsh.
- But they have sense enough not to comment on it.
Deep down I didn't mean that, actually I was more badly affected by the lack of knowledge. That Gustav has been attracted to boys all this time and has not been able to admit it to any of us. And now I also confirmed his feeling and fear through my statement. But I never thought of admitting my mistake, never thought of excusing my behavior. Instead I said to Gabriel:
- Sense enough? Are you calling me stupid?
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- You are absolutely incredible Robin, he said angrily. Honestly, sometimes I can't stand you.
At those words I had risen to my feet and was ready to defend myself but was silenced.
- You are such a pessimist, so hateful. Don't you realize that it not only affect you but people around you?
I clenched my jaw and felt his words become liquid lava of aggression in my body.
- I don't care about others, I said loudly, putting great emphasis on the last word.
Gabriel's expression looked like I had slapped him. At first I didn't understand his reaction. Or why he said:
- Thank you, thank you very much
To then turn around and storm away. When it eventually dawned on me why he looked so sad, I felt like an idiot. That I hadn't connected it earlier.
- Of course I didn't mean you, I whispered out. But then Gabriel was long gone and no one heard me.
