The world as we knew was collapsing before our eyes. Slowly without us being able to do anything to prevent it. Our free will was taken away from us. We became puppets, controlled by a higher power. All we wanted was to escape, to cut the threads th...
We were received with open arms. Gabriel was declared a hero and he reflected in that glory. I didn't know if I should be grateful. The thought tormented me enormously. He had saved my life, it was because of him that I was breathing right now. At the same time, I couldn't get that voice out of my head. Who asked me again and again the same question:
- Did I really want to be saved?
Now that I was confined with all these people, the voice became increasingly responsive. On the first day, I could feel Beatrice's presence in every step I took. It was like she was always there, grinning at me. Like a ghost that haunted me. The urge to tell her to go to hell grew stronger by the minute. Ideally, I wanted to face her and force her to answer me all these questions. Who were you? What did you want from me? But I let it go and restrain myself. Gabriel watches over me, making sure I wasn't in pain or overexerting myself. His concern annoyed me.
- I'm fine, I said, even I was surprised by the aggressive tone in my voice after i said that.
We had been allocated a room together with an elderly man. Gabriel had sat on the edge of my bed for a while but now got up. A need to apologize came over me when I saw his hurted face. Instead, I let him undress in silence and lay down on the bed with his back to me.
Everyone expects that I should be so happy to be alive. The life that slowly began to suffocate me. Earlier today, I also had to meet an my ex. I couldn't ignore her, but every word we said to each other was a pain. In her eyes I could read the pain I had caused her and I didn't need to be reminded of it. When Gabriel then excitedly wanted to talk about our meeting, I put a stop to it right away.
- Not right now. We can talk about it later, I said.
But we hadn't been given the opportunity for that and I could feel sincere gratitude for it.
-
The morning after, Gabriel had a heart-warming conversation with Mikael, the priest, at the breakfast table. I had caught sight of Gustav among all the faces and was sincerely glad to see him. He told me that he had been here a few days, but he had no idea where Hannes and Kalle were. I couldn't imagine that we would be the only ones alive in this situation. So I assumed they had sought shelter elsewhere. So now I sat between Gabriel and Gustav, without any interest in participating in any of the conversations around the table.
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I made eye contact with Vendela from the table across, but she lowered her eyes in embarrassment. Gabriel fingered his cross that he had around his neck facing me, I turned off my hearing for a brief second. Just ate the sandwich in my hand that tasted like nothing. Looked out the window at the green forest nearby. How it lured me, screamed my name. Wanted to swallow me whole and how I longed. An arm at my side disturbed me from my thoughts, words were said near me.
- Robin and I are happy to come to church, he said. I checked Gabriel's profile.
Since when did he and I become a "We"? Since when had we built such a strong friendship? I put my hand over my face and my elbow on the table. Staring down at my plate with the half-eaten sandwich, I wished myself away from it all.
