The world as we knew was collapsing before our eyes. Slowly without us being able to do anything to prevent it. Our free will was taken away from us. We became puppets, controlled by a higher power. All we wanted was to escape, to cut the threads th...
I hated it when he said things like that because I knew he did it just to see my reaction. It amused him how the compliments, touching and how invading my personal space made me uncomfortable.
My eyes took in the view before us. The ruins of a world we lived in just a few months ago. In the evening it was only like black pillars sticking up a here and there, an endless darkness. All around us it smell the greenery. But down there, where we once lived and breathed, the stench of devastation would fill our nostrils. Of a previous life, a life that felt more and more distant. I wanted to go there, I wanted to see the misery, to remember a reality that no longer exists. But we are forbidden to do that. Therefore, I seem to desire it more and more.
That's why I always sit here, night after night on this hill and looked down on the city I used to live in. A city i used to hate and swore over. Still, I want to be right there. In the middle of everything, kick and beat what remains. Scream out my anger. Feel the freedom, not be trapped here among all the people making it hard to breathe. Be free and absolutely alone.
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Gabriel knew about this, so he left me alone. Didn't try to persuade me to think about other things. Other then wanting to escape, to leave. Because nothing he had said before would change my mind. So I guess he gave up and just left me alone. Let me sit here, night after night, with my longing gaze.
Sometimes I fell asleep on the grass below and even though I froze at night I refused to go back to the barracks. Where people were lined up and crowded. Confinement and darkness, they crawled all over my body when I thought about it.
- I thought if I got drunk enough I could sleep here with you tonight, when Gabriel said that i just laughed.
It was not comforting to lie on bare ground with roots in your back. A base with various items of clothing didn't make much of a difference, unfortunately. That's how we lay now, with a thin blanket to share. Gabriel had shamelessly crawled closer to me and ordered me not to move away because he needed my warmth. But it was a warm night so we didn't have to worry about freezing. Finally, Gabriel had thrown off the blanket to take off his shirt.
- Sure you don't want to steal my warmth? I said teasingly.
I only got a "Shut up" in response. Gabriel had started getting too close to me and I, I hadn't stopped it. His breath near me. It is only a few centimeters between us. If I just move the arm a little bit to the left, I could feel his skin. Shamelessly, I thought about letting my fingertips touch his collarbone, tracing the line with my hand. Feel the heat from his body, hear his heart pounding. Know that he lives. That he is alive here besides me. But I don't, I just let it remain as thoughts.
Ny head spins when I close my eyes, I'm drunk, I know it and that's why I'm not thinking clearly. So I let the thoughts go where they wanted without giving them much weight. I need you. That's why I'm not leaving. Never in a sober state I would admit that to myself. Even less express my feelings openly. He would never know. Because i would never tell him that. How much I needed Gabriel.
