He who holds the strings

Chapter 5 - Part 1

- You and Frida, do you know each other from before? Beatrice had meet up with me outside the church where I spent up to an hour with Frida.

I though about her words for a second. It felt nice to have a familiar face, but I didn't really know where to place Frida yet. Sometimes she could annoy me to the breaking point and sometimes she could be really nice. As a person I could imagine becoming friends with. Then it was Beatrice who both scared and fascinated me. Too little time had passed between us for me to get any concrete idea. So far she was just a question mark.

I answered Beatrice's question by explaining that we had been neighbors before. Not being able to talk about the present about your own apartment you've had for years felt strange. But apparently this place was my new "home", Mikael had said. And all these strange faces my new family. The last was not my own words and they probably never will be either.

We were well over 20 people here in these premises. Crowded and trying to survive on the provisions that were here to begin with. And those that we picked and hunted ourselves. Tomorrow I had also promised to go with Frida and pick berries.

- Robin then? A neighbor too?, continued Beatrice with open curiosity. Whereupon I looked down and felt the blush of my cheeks.

So determinedly I had tried to shut out thoughts of him this hour. How did Beatrice know of our acquaintance?

- Ex-boyfriend, I said to the ground.

- Oh, i see, she answered cheerfully. Are we to expect some love drama here then?

With furrowed brows, I looked up at her grin.

- Absolutely not, I reply with slight irritation. Then she laughed.

The next second she had a firm grip on my forearm. And with an unexpected force she pulled me so close that I almost hit her chin on her shoulder.

- Calm down, I won't take him away from you, she whispered into my ear. Instinctively, I took a few steps back from her. The sudden proximity had upset my mood completely.

- Besides, I'm more interested in his friend, she then said happily, winking one eye.

With those words she turned her heel and left. If she was a mystery before, she had become an even greater one after that meeting. I didn't know if I wanted to avoid her in the future. Or if I actually wanted to look for her in the crowd. 

The next day was fairly painless. After a quick breakfast, I followed Frida into the forest with each one's basket. She babbled on about the benefits of attending the communion that was to be held that evening.

- It's only half an hour of your life. Come along and see for yourself, she said with her head in the blueberry bushes.

My eyes were swollen from crying for so long on the toilet the night before. The truth of the new reality had finally caught up with me and I was so filled with anxeity. My whole inside screamed with longing for the solitude of my apartment. The safety between the four walls. Now I was exposed, now everything inside and outside me was chaos. And I didn't know how to deal with it. Most of all, I wanted to dig myself deep into bed and refuse to get up when the others called me. Get me out of here, leave me alone.

- I know how you feel, Beatrice said as she watched me as I changed from sleep to everyday clothes.

We were sharing a room with two others so they weren't too surprised that she was right there. Dressed and ready to join all the others, she lingered with me. I looked at her in wonder.

- I also want to get out of here, she filled in. And I think I know how to succeed in that.

Without explaining herself further, she got up from the bed and went out. Every now and then she planted something with me. And it felt like that was exactly her intention.