Really Wild Things

Chapter 5

5

Many people would be shocked to see the ex-President of the Galaxy lying in his office in an alcohol-induced coma, surrounded by empty bottles of Arcturian Mega-gin. Tricia McMillan, more commonly known as Trillian, was not one of those people. In fact, she had come to the office armed with a Neutra-Hol gun to get him out of it.

The Neutra-Hol gun was supposed to instantly neutralise any alcohol in the system of the target, as well as stimulate the nervous system to bring the target to full consciousness. The Sirius Cybernetics Corporation advertised the gun as "a stiff cup of black coffee with a trigger." The results were not quite as enjoyable.

Trillian walked into the office of Zaphod Beeblebrox, aimed the gun, and fired.

Zaphod Beeblebrox jumped the minute the orange beam hit him, screaming at the top of his lungs. He landed on one of the bottles, which rolled and sent him flying backwards onto the floor. His two heads banged together, which only made his headaches worse. Zaphod lay on the floor, cursing furiously.

Trillian slipped the gun into Zaphod's desk drawer. "Good morning to you, too, Zaphod."

Zaphod groaned and sat up, rubbing his foreheads with his second and third hands. One head squinted at her. "I thought you were dead."

Trillian folded her arms and looked pointedly at a still-smoking hole in the wall by the door. "No, you missed. Next time you try to shoot me, make sure you're not drunk. Your aim will be better."

Zaphod staggered to his feet. "Refresh my memory. Why did I try to kill you again?"

"I told you about the debate."

"Oh, yeah, the debate." Zaphod began sifting through the bottles at his feet to find one that wasn't empty. "What debate?"

Trillian gave him her thin smile, the one she used to keep from screaming at him. "The debate with Erog Shub."

Zaphod picked up one of the bottles and turned it upside-down over his left mouth. A couple of drops came out and landed in his left head's mouth, which smacked its lips. His right head frowned as it said, "Right, Erog Shub. Who's Erog Shub?"

Trillian lowered her head, counting slowly to herself. She often had this debate with herself about whether or not Zaphod Beeblebrox was as stupid as he behaved. She was still learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending to be outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was renowned for being amazingly clever and quite clearly was so - but not all the time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He proffered people to be puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about it.

"Okay," Trillian said, "we had this conversation last night, and it ended with you shooting at me, so let's try this another way."

Trillian went over to the Tri-D and turned it on. The hologram came up showing a huge auditorium with a man in a tuxedo dominating the view. The man looked thin and gaunt,?ne who could be mistaken for dead were it not for his brilliant smile. He was Max Quordlepleen, known throughout the Galaxy as the host of Milliways, the Restaurant at the End of the Universe. Zaphod had slumped in the chair behind his desk, but just the sight of Quordlepleen made Zaphod sit up at attention.

Quordlepleen faced the Tri-D camera robot with a thin microphone at his mouth. Trillian had caught him in mid-sentence. "-required three different kinds of pudding. But that's all been sorted out, and we're all set to begin this truly extraordinary debate between Zaphod Beeblebrox and his opponent, Erob Shub."