Really Wild Things

Chapter 23

Zaphod Beeblebrox stomped through the darkened corridors of the Heart of Gold, not really knowing where he was going but making bold strides to get there. This wasn't what he had wanted at all. He felt like he had already saved the Galaxy numerous times, and the Universe should give him a pass this time.

But the Chronological Correcting Fluid was something he couldn't ignore. If it was what that crazy blue lady said it was, then it would be the way for him to get re-elected. All he needed to do was wipe out his first term from history, and Zaphod could start with a clean slate. If it worked, Zaphod could run for his first term all over again. He thought. He was never very good at temporal paradoxes. He usually thought he would do whatever he liked and let the Universe sort it out later.

As far as Bikkablip, Zaphod felt that was a dark time in his past that he would have preferred not to return to. But if they had to go that route, then that was what he would do. Maybe.

Zaphod needed to lie down and have a stiff drink, not necessarily in that order. Usually the stiff drink would lead to him lying down. Actually, Zaphod preferred to have a stiff drink, then lie down, then have another stiff drink.

Zaphod was pleased to find himself back at his own quarters. Even if he hadn't known where to go, that seemed the safest place.

The door opened as he approached, sighing with delight. Just as Zaphod was about to tell the door to go stuff itself, he froze.

There was a woman in his quarters.

A very familiar woman.

To understand the full impact of what Zaphod saw, one would have to know a good bit of his childhood.

Zaphod had spent most of his early history lessons plotting how he was going to have sex with the girl in the cybercubicle next to him. Zaphod's plan had seemed fairly simple - reprogram her cybercubicle so that instead of feeding her the usual mind-food of Galactic wars, planetary discovery, and great rulers, the cybercubicle would recite beautiful and occasionally obscene poetry to her. Of course, Zaphod didn't actually know how to write poetry, so most of his time was spent programming the cybercubicle to write it for him.

It worked, only too well. Zaphod had intended to use the poetry to seduce her and then, when she reached the peak of desire, reveal himself as the true author of the poems. From there, his plan involved his tri-jet scooter, dental floss, an assortment of vegetables, and privacy.

Unfortunately, before he could reveal himself, his cybercubicle was scrapped and sent to a home for Degenerate Cybermats, whither it was followed by the girl who had inadvertently fallen deeply in love with the unfortunate machine, with the result that Zaphod never got near her.

The woman who sat on his bed was slender, beautiful, and quite a few years older than he remembered. But she had the same long white hair, the same pouting lips, the same slender limbs, and the same delicate tentacle on the back of her neck.

"Pya," Zaphod whispered, the name fairly drifting off his tongue.

She looked up from a computer terminal she worked on. "Oh, hello, Zaphod. I've been waiting for you."

"Pya?" Zaphod shook one of his heads while the other continued to gape. "What are you doing here? How'd you find me? How'd you get in here?"

She smiled and rose to her bare feet. She took small steps towards him and her dress floated around her waist as she walked. "So many questions, Zaphod. Where were those questions in class? Maybe you would have learned Galactic History if you had asked them?"

She giggled, and the musical tones made Zaphod shiver.

Zaphod swallowed. Both his throats were dry. "But you ran off with the cybercubicle."

She pouted. "I never loved that cold piece of synth-metal. I loved what I thought it was. I thought it was you." Her long, delicate fingers reached out to touch one of the cheeks on both his heads.

Part of Zaphod realised this couldn't be real, that the girl in the cybercubicle couldn't possibly be in his quarters. He had to be dreaming or hallucinating. Unfortunately, that part of Zaphod was currently locked out of his mind, pounding on the door and yelling to be let in. Meanwhile, the rest of Zaphod could only think of the sheer joy of his dream finally come true.

Zaphod took hold of Pya and kissed her passionately with both of his heads. His three arms lifted her and carried her into his quarters.

The door closed behind him. It let out an embarrassed cough.