Until the very end

Lay Yourself Bare ~ May 2019

Is he alright?

Ant's concerned text came rather pre-emptively, before the camera crew had even arrived that morning. It was another one of the numerous displays of care the other Geordie had directed towards Dec that silenced any part of Stephen that doubted Ant. It was another bit of needless proof that they were both healing.

He'll be okay when he gets through it. I'll keep an eye on him.

Stephen wasn't a fan of the setup for the DNA Journey interview that morning. Dec was going to be in the living room, expected to talk about the last year and being without Ant whilst Stephen was forced to occupy himself in the same house without succumbing to the need to be in there with him.

Thanks, nonsense. You're not so bad after all.

He smiled despite himself, pocketing his phone as Dec's feet sounded on the staircase. Seeing Ant able to crack a joke calmed his own concern a little, although he knew Dec would probably react badly to the knowledge that they were exchanging messages about him at the moment.

"You look nice," Stephen said warmly when Dec joined him in the kitchen, already dressed and ready for the crew to arrive. He fussed with the hem of his jumper, smiling slightly towards the tiled floor with an uncharacteristic sheepishness. "How are you feeling?"

"It's going to be difficult," he replied with a shrug, getting that familiar, faraway look in his eyes before shaking himself and joining Stephen properly in the room. "I'll be fine."

"If you don't want to talk about any of it, you can ask them to leave bits out," Stephen pointed out, although it wasn't the first time he'd suggested it. Ali had been doing the same for weeks and Ant had even taken a turn trying to convince him. Dec had brushed all of them off with the same reasoning.

"If it helps someone, somewhere," he started again now with a shake of his head. "I want to explain my side of it. No one talks about this stuff."

"And if they go further back?" Stephen asked, having been concerned about more of the past being dragged up as well ever since Dec had mentioned the questions he'd been asked about coming out while they were filming in America. He wasn't sure if Dec could handle that on top of the questions about Ant.

"I'm used to talking about that now," Dec mumbled wearily, moving to stand in front of Stephen as he sat at the kitchen island. Stephen let him rest his hands on his shoulders, rocking close to the older man's forehead with his own. Dec smiled fleetingly. "And I could talk about you all day."

Stephen's mouth twitched fondly, not doubting that was true when it was a conversation about the positive side to their relationship. Dec had settled into the spotlight completely now when it came to the two of them, happy to praise Stephen in public or bring him up in an interview without the same moment of fear that sometimes made Stephen reconsider doing that. As much as Dec disliked the PR team's suggestions, he was much more likely to talk about something personal off the cuff than Stephen.

(*~*)

They'd been filming for longer than the slot they had for the entire documentary. Dec had been working in TV for long enough to not be entirely surprised by that; so much ended up on the cutting room floor when they made pre-recorded shows. It was one of the reasons that he liked the spontaneity of live shows because nothing he did would end up languishing on some editor's hard drive for the rest of time. Today, more than ever, he felt a little bitter about that. To have beared his soul and held so little back, it was going to be strange to see only a few sections make it into the final edit.

It only felt like he exhaled properly when the front door was shut and he was left with no one to think about but Stephen. The only upside to talking through everything was the reminder it had given him of the younger man who had been at his side for all of it. There was a lot that had been hard but Stephen's presence made most of that worth it.