Until the very end

Quote Me ~ March 2019

"It's gone live," Ali announced, looking over from her computer as she sat at Ant's kitchen table. Dec glanced up from his steaming cup of tea, watching Ant cease his restless pacing up and down the room. It was laughable, how much he'd been pretending that the interview they'd done for The Guardian hadn't been playing on his mind.

They'd already read the contents of it but as Ali turned the screen to face Dec, Ant coming to rest his elbows on the back of his chair so he could see it too, it was the first time they'd seen the finished product. It was a bigger deal, seeing the headline in bold beneath one of the many photos they'd taken on the same day of the interview. It had been a nice moment to breathe, messing around with Ant in their nearly matching outfits – it had felt natural and easy, everything that sitting down to talk to their interviewer was not.

Dec skimmed over the text, already having over-analysed a lot of it when Ali sent the first draft. It had been a cathartic process, working with the newspaper to get to a position where they were happy – very different to the experiences that especially Dec had faced with the tabloids. What still surprised him now was the split focus of the article. What had once been pitched as a conversation about Ant's return to work had morphed into something about friendship, the other relationships in their lives and Dec's rapidly approaching introduction to parenthood.

A few quotations from the article were set apart from the rest of it, italicised and bold. Dec was surprised to see one of his own, some way down the page – sometimes I dread the day I have to explain to my kids why some people don't accept their dads. He swallowed a lump in his throat, seeing his words reflected back at him and feeling some of that dread again. Ant had joked at the end of the interview that it had been like a therapy session and Dec didn't disagree with him. He'd said more, in the heat of the moment, than he'd expected to let himself.

"God, they've picked some awful photos," Ant said from over his shoulder, reaching around Dec to scroll through the article. He went rapidly past the text, settling on each image and chuckling at some of the older ones. Dec recognised the technique; Ant focusing on the easy parts to distract from the rest of it; and leant his head back slightly to find the solidity of Ant's chest, feeling the reverberations of his amusement and occasionally persuading himself to let out a laugh as well.

As Ali's phone started to ring, she got up apologetically to take the call. Dec felt Ant's posture wane behind him, some of the usual bravado ebbing away as he dipped his chin onto Dec's head affectionately. "Okay, kidda?"

"I can see why they hired that guy," Dec replied wanly, referring to their interviewer. "He knows how to get people talking."

"It's probably good for us," Ant said quietly.

"PR-wise, or personally?" Dec asked in return, sort of dreading the answer. Ant let out a helpless laugh and squeezed Dec's shoulder.

"Maybe both," he offered up eventually. "It's definitely good for the image, or whatever Simon would say."

"Two normal, relatable Geordies airing their biggest fears and regrets to the world," Dec aimed for a joke but heard the sarcasm fall a little flat.

"If I were you, I'd have said far more about the general shittiness of the world if you're a gay couple trying to have kids," Ant said, a flicker of protectiveness in his voice. "Well, maybe I wouldn't have done 'cos I can't pretend I understand what the last few weeks have felt like."

"I imagine it's easier, thinking you'd just yell your head off at everyone when you don't have to face the prospect of actually doing that," Dec replied, being careful to make the joke clear this time. He never wanted to reduce Ant's attempts to be supportive but he was right when he said it was easier to speculate as a straight person.