Until the very end

Fitting In ~ April 2019

If the helicopter invitation hadn't been surprising enough, walking into a room full of distant relatives, all linked to each other through Dec, was an overwhelming revelation. The moment he swung the doors to the lavish kitchen open, greeted by far more voices than he'd been expecting, Dec was thrown off-kilter. Not badly, it was just a lot to take in. And with his conversation with Ant still in the back of his mind, the idea of family and, furthermore, being accepted was firmly in his thoughts.

It became apparent quickly that most of the people in the room hadn't done what they had discussed in the helicopter and googled him, most of them looking slightly bemused but excited by the film crew and the less-than-stereotypical British accents that he and Ant brought to the table. Being able to make a genuine first impression on someone was a rarity for both of them in the UK; most people had a vague idea of who they were, some half-formed opinion as a result of the numerous jokes that had been made about them over the years. 'Ant and Dec' was the go-to comparison for any duo, even if a lot of people didn't know which of them was Ant and which was Dec.

In America, far more people had no idea who they were. It was relieving in many ways for his reputation not to precede him and for the first time, in a room full of strangers, he was very aware of his anonymity. He and Stephen had been outed to the entire country. He had been stripped of the chance to come out to so many people – he hadn't had the practice. And now he was surrounded by people who had no idea.

"I don't think I know how to come out," he murmured to Ant, almost jokingly, after they had filmed an initial reaction out in the garden. Ant frowned slightly, his hand already darting to rest on Dec's elbow steadily. It drew the older man's attention to the slight quiver in his limbs but he couldn't distinguish adrenaline from nerves. "You know, when you think about it, I've really not come out to that many people."

"You don't have to do anything," Ant replied as he had done in the helicopter. "Just talk to them and if it comes up, it comes up."

Dec nodded as they headed back inside and tried not to think too hard about whether or not he wanted that to happen.

As it turned out, none of their prior conversation seemed relevant until he was talking with a small group, including one man called Tom, who brought up his own family.

"You have six siblings?" He asked Dec, referring to a conversation they'd had earlier. Dec nodded. "Yeah, we have a big family too. Four of us, all with children now. Lots of kids running around at Christmas."

"I always like going home for Christmas," Dec said with a smile, "It's chaos but I wouldn't change it."

Tom laughed in agreement. "You got any kids of your own?"

Dec shook his head at first but the photos of the baby scans that he carried around with him almost seemed to berate him for not mentioning them. "Me and my partner are expecting twins in five- or six-weeks' time. He kept telling me not to stress about anything happening early while I'm here but I have been."

It was easy to just slip in a pronoun, so subtle that part of him wondered if Tom hadn't registered it when he barely reacted. It felt big to Dec though, a weight easing from his shoulders even if he hadn't obviously come out to the other man.

"The last few weeks are busy," he replied knowingly. "Lots to organise, huh?"

"I might have used this as an excuse to leave Stephen to settle on a colour to paint the nursery," Dec said wryly, emboldened by the other man's lack of reaction and getting another reassuring buzz out of making Tom chuckle again.

"Stephen's your partner?" he clarified without a hint of judgement. Dec nodded, smiling automatically when the other man didn't even react.

"For the time being," he joked, "The nursery painting debate has put a real strain on things."