Until the very end

Introduction ~ November 2018

And we're back!

Have I had time to pre-write as much of this as I wanted to? Nope.

Will I have time to write and upload a chapter every week? Who knows!

But for the time being, I have some time to write over Christmas and I will do my best :)

(*~*)

When Ant tried to picture a different version of this very scene, he knew it probably started with him yelling, "Nonsense!" in Stephen's face just to make Dec grin even if he was currently nowhere to be seen. It was pointless even thinking about that because there was no other reason that one would be going to Australia without the other except for something like this. And anything else like this would likely have mellowed the friendship Ant shared with Stephen in the same way the events of this year had.

So, it was oddly easy to stick to the more affectionate nicknames when he was greeted on the familiar doorstep by Stephen.

"Alright, Stevie?"

"We're packing," Stephen said by way of reply, sarcasm doing the heavy-lifting as he raised his eyebrows. Ant felt his mouth twitch cheekily, burying the faint twinge of longing for it to be all three of them getting ready for the trip. But again, in a way that few people would manage to, Stephen's reminder of the things Ant was about to miss out on was more than tolerable all because of that put-upon tone of voice and weary expression.

It struck Ant at the strangest moments, just how lucky the three of them had been to fall into one another's lives. His relationship with Dec was as solid as it had been since March, back to offering that same life raft that the older man had always symbolised: stability even when he was barely treading water himself; reliability and wholehearted devotion; and now, with the passing of time, the near-permanent offer of a reassuring smile even if it crinkled the lines around his eyes a little more nowadays. It had always been the same with Dec, a permanence to his loyalty that Ant knew was unique to him. They'd only lost it briefly this year and, in his darkest moments, he'd worried that he'd lost it forever. Most of the time, even the bad times, a small part of him had been clinging to Dec though.

And then there was Stephen. Ant had met a lot of people in his twenties, forced to shake their hands and put on a show because that was 'networking' and they were meant to be making a name for themselves. Few had made the same impression on him as Stephen had although that first glimpse into the other man felt like a drop in the ocean compared to the complexity that Ant understood now. It was hard to imagine Dec or Stephen all those years ago now - the time was tarnished by a fear that Ant knew he would never shake. He was scared of how much they'd been hiding - scared of the burden it had put on them.

Now, more years later than he wanted to count, it seemed almost unbelievable that they had ended up the way they were. He was stood on the doorstep of the house that Dec and Stephen shared together, the pair of them getting ready to fly to the other side of the world for the sake of a TV show. They were expecting a child and going to great lengths to enforce the fact that Ant was going to be as much of an uncle as Dec's actual siblings.

"What does that mean?" he asked now, shaking off the waves of nostalgia in favour of returning to the matter at hand and, just to see a reappearance of Stephen's fond exasperation, packing.

"I swear he still doesn't know how to fold clothes," Stephen complained mournfully. Ant fought off a chuckle as he placed his shoes to one side and straightened up again, bathing in another one of those changes as Stephen tugged him into a hug. Used to being the tactile one, this was a development that Ant had leant into, oddly glad to see physical evidence of Stephen's new tendency to open up to him almost as much as he did with Dec.

"You're both so incompetent," Ant mumbled against his shoulder, unsurprised when Stephen pulled back with a scowl.

"Don't lump me in with him," he protested, waving his hand upstairs. "I've done 90% of the work and how much credit do you think he'll give me?"

Ant knew he'd always had a tendency to sway towards sentimentality but recently the waves hit him harder. Maybe he was just grateful to be in one piece - grateful that certain people hadn't let go of that loose tether that had unknowingly held him in reality. But there was a flicker of something far too affectionate that accompanied many of his interactions with Stephen nowadays. Ant noticed the flickers in his expression; the ever-changing lights in his eyes betraying his emotions when he decided to try and hide them; the way a soft haze of tiredness would often cloud everything else, exposing his tendency to overthink.

"Probably all of it because he's a little sap," Ant smirked, letting his arm reach out and tug Stephen into a looser embrace. It settled the static under his skin that reminded him constantly of the dwindling opportunities he had to do just that before they returned at Christmas.

"How are you?" Stephen asked quietly, his joking tone ebbing away with their proximity.

"I'm okay," Ant replied honestly, "Glad you're going too, to be honest. For his sake." Stephen hummed a little unhappily and Ant tutted lightly under his breath. "Are you alright?"

"I know he's stressing about it," he said eventually, "A little bit." Ant waited knowingly. "Christmas is always a bit - tough. And this year is the first time since I sort of stopped talking to my family so Declan wants to be alright so I can - deal with that."

Every hesitation told Ant that Stephen was editing himself in his head, choosing what to let out into the real world and what to keep to himself. He didn't mind that too much, content that he was getting the gist of the problem at least and far more than he ever would have known a year earlier.

"Maybe Australia will do you some good," he suggested softly, "Get away from here for a bit. Actually have a break for once."

"I have breaks," Stephen argued back weakly.

"Not enough of them," Ant interjected firmly before returning to the matter at hand. "It's allowed to be difficult, Stevie. You know that?" He got another hum in response, this one a little wispy and even less happy, pushing Ant to try harder. "It's not your fault it's ended up like this, Stephen. Dec and I are here whenever you need us. Plenty of other people too."

"I know," Stephen murmured, quiet but at least sounding as if he believed it. And then, because it was Stephen, he changed the subject. "Are you sure you're going to be alright?"

Ant smiled gently, pulling away and nodding. "I've had enough time to get used to the idea of Dec doing this without me. And we're talking about Britain's Got Talent now so I've got that to work towards."

"Sure?" Stephen checked one more time, head quirked slightly to one side.

"I'll just call you in the middle of the night if I need you," Ant replied sweetly, "I'm sure you'll love that."

"I thought you wanted me to have a break," Stephen retorted more familiarly, the tension lining his forehead fading back to a whisper. Ant made a mental note to keep asking every so often but let it go for the time being. "Doesn't sound very restful."

"Oh, I'm going to miss your stupid moonface," Ant teased with a grin, happy to settle for a minute into their old tendencies. Because, yes, sometimes it was still easier to hide the real sentiment behind something mildly offensive. Especially when Stephen did nothing but smile knowingly back at him.