Beyond Repair (Min Yoongi) [UPDATED]

38. Words I Thought I'd Choke On

That was when Namjoon knew something was wrong, more wrong than he'd thought.

Jungkook had several common stims and little habits that he used to keep his nervous system regulated when emotions ran high. The list consisted of (but was not limited to) cracking his joints, waving or clapping or flapping his hands, rocking slightly back and forth or from side to side, and tossing his head to the side to move his hair. Small movements like those were easy to wave off as a simple overabundance of energy (which isn't to say restlessness was never the case, but more often than not, Jungkook carried out these movements to keep himself calm in the midst of boredom, anxiety, or uncomfortable sensory input such as strong smells and unexpected loud noises). Jungkook rarely made random sounds with his mouth—similar to ridding his speech of any traces of his Busan dialect, vocal stimming was a habit that he had forced himself to grow out of, for the most part, starting as soon as he'd joined the company so as to be less likely to disrupt meetings and performances. If Jungkook was making noises with his mouth, it could only mean he was distressed beyond that with which his usual habits could help him cope.

"Baby, what's wrong?" Namjoon asked gently, hoping his voice conveyed a reasonable amount of concern rather than the tidal wave of worry rising in him. He didn't want to overwhelm Jungkook any further, after all.

"I-I don't...m-maybe...it would be easier for me to say my bit...if...if you go first?" Jungkook said hesitantly.

"Alright," Namjoon conceded, "if that's what you want, I'll go first. But afterwards, you're still going to have to share whatever's making you this upset."

Jungkook nodded and Namjoon smiled at the implied promise.

"Right. So, I guess the biggest thing I've been keeping to myself lately has been feelings of, ah, incompetence and inadequacy," Namjoon said, inwardly cringing at the fact that it came out like a question.

"What do you mean?" Jungkook asked, already looking much more comfortable now that the focus had shifted off of him.

"Well..." Namjoon sighed. "I feel like I should have been more attentive to Yoongi and his feelings. He had his doubts about leaving the house and I brushed him off because I thought he was just being paranoid. Not that he didn't have good reason to feel that way, it's just...I thought getting back to work would help him move on...but if I'd just listened to what he had to say and why he wanted to stay home, all of this could have been prevented."

"But we all wanted to go to work that day. It wasn't any one person's fault," said Jungkook.

Namjoon shook his head. "I know. That's what I keep trying to tell myself. But then I think further back and I realize that the whole reason Yoongi was abducted, in the first place, was that he was an easy target. He was walking alone because I hadn't gone to bring him home yet. He'd locked himself in his studio for, what, four days? Five? And I didn't even text him. We all know how immersed he gets in his work. Remember that one time a few years ago when he went a day and a half without even using the bathroom because he ran out of water and snacks in his mini-fridge and didn't have anything to eat or drink the whole time? I promised myself I wouldn't let him to that to himself again but I forgot. I literally forgot to go get him because I was so busy with my own work. How fucked-up is that? I was in the same building as him half the time, and I forgot to bring him home with me because...I don't even remember why. Because I was too busy or too distracted or too tired to be bother? Who does that? What kind of person—what kind of boyfriend does that?"

Jungkook wordlessly reached out (with the hand that wasn't occupied with tap-tap-tapping on the bedspread next to him) to cup the side of Namjoon's face. His thumb caressed the spot where Namjoon's dimple would be if he were smiling before letting his hand follow the curve of Namjoon's neck, shoulder, and arm until he could link their fingers together.