Rebirth: From Nothing

Chapter 16: Recovering

When I wake up, I'm in a place I've never seen before. But it has a familiar feeling. Ah, it's a temple prayer room. Aquila must have taken me here for treatment.

I sit up and look to my side. There is a woman there, she was pretty old, probably 60. She is wearing white robes and has a star shape on her neck. She put down the bucket of water she was carrying and approaches me.

"Hello, your teacher went out shopping. She should be back before long. I am Marcella, an acolyte here at the temple."

"I see." I feel weird, in my chest.

"Don't worry, you collapsed to exhaustion. You are all fine now. I hear you fought somebody quite strong. But you are so young."

"I'm not a kid."

She giggled a bit and started stroking my hair.

"It's ok to be a kid you know. Someone so young fighting to the death. I can't help but think it's tragic. It's ok to let adults fight your battles when you're young, ok?"

Fight to the death? Did I? Ah, I... I killed someone. There is someone out there who suffered in their final moments. There is someone who will never eat, sleep, smile, laugh, or cry again because of me. There is someone who is dead because of me.

I...

I vomited off the side of the bed. Marcella didn't bat an eye at this, she just stroked my back telling me to let it all out. I hated being treated like a kid. It sucked considering how old I actually am.

Why am I feeling bad for killing that man? He is everything wrong with the world. He is a scumbag, he deserved to die. He was going to die anyways, I just happened to be the one to do it.

Eventually the vomiting stopped. When that happened the acolyte simply grabbed a new bucket and an old rag and cleaned it up. When she was doing that, she got to talking.

"Don't worry about this, we deal with the sick all the time. Stuff like this happens every other day." She takes a short break to pause and think. "I can't imagine what you are going through, but we will always be there for you. Come to a temple at any time and we will listen and help."

She was acting kind. Even as she cleaned up vomit. Processing emotions definitely wasn't my strong suite. Maybe talking to them would... No fuck that. I have seen people like her before, they say, 'open up' and 'I'm here to help' and they just laugh at you inside. That's what everyone is like.

"Not interested." I reply.

"That's ok, everyone hesitates. But someday I hope you'll come through the doors of a temple with an open heart."

This is standard religious bullshit. They get you in with empty promises and then you leave with an empty wallet. My parents took me to a priest before and all they did was give pet phrases about love and kindness that were worthless in the end. Telling me to turn to a God I have no proof of existing.

And why would I turn to a god for help if it was never there for me when I needed it? If a God is truly omnipotent then it could have stopped me from suffering. No, if a God is omnipotent, it is then the cause of all things, that God would be the reason for me suffering.

And if humans were deserving of love and kindness then they wouldn't dunk my head in toilets, they wouldn't mock and belittle me at any chance they get, they wouldn't spread lies about me, they wouldn't steal, they wouldn't start wars, they wouldn't... they wouldn't take away the people I love the most.

I take a deep breath and push aside the feelings. All I can do now is move forward. I walk out of the room against the protests of the Acolyte and enter the main hall. There I find Aquila talking to a man, probably 35-40 years old.