How You Left Me

5

My phone in my back pocket feels like it's on fire as I open the door to the hotel room.

Sebastian is on the patio with his legs kicked up on a chair while he types on his laptop. The screen door is open and a cool breeze wafts through, tickling my skin with goosebumps.

"I don't think I can go back home in three days."

My voice is scrambled and uncertain as I walk towards the patio door.

"What?" Sebastian jumps initially at the sound of my voice, turning around to face me. I'm not sure if he can see me though the screen because he looks confused, but surely he knows it's my voice.

"I think I need to stay here for a while." I phrase it differently, swallowing hard as I play with my fingers nervously.

"Orion? Come out here. I can't see you," Seb tells me as he reaches back to try and open the screen.

"No. You don't need to see me. I'm just saying this out loud. I can't go back to California yet."

Sebastian shuts his laptop and stands up in one fluid movement, pushing the screen door open with force. On the other end is me—slightly (or majorly) panicked.

"You are a mess," he says as his eyes come into focus on me.

"I know," I gulp and look up at him with probably the most frenzied expression he's ever seen.

"Is everything okay? Did someone do something to you?" He steps closer to me but I take three steps back.

"Orion," he says a bit firmer than before, "stop, please."

I shake my head "no," feeling the tears begin to well up against my eyelashes. A stray tear falls as I cover my face with my hands, coming to an halt. Like a child.

This is when Sebastian swoops in and wraps his arms around me, cradling my head on his shoulder. I hate how I melt into him, like my body becomes lifeless and he's keeping me afloat.

"Please tell me what happened," he says calmly as I try to gain control of my emotions.

"I'm..." The words begin but they don't come out.

"You're what?" He asks, pulling away to hold my face between his two hands. I watch his eyes examine me, being so careful. He wants to understand.

"I'm not sure I can marry you," I say as one big sob overtakes me. The words float between us and I can't believe they've came from my mouth.

Sebastian brings me back against his chest, and then I realize we're both crying. All it took were seven words to cut off what could have been a lifetime. If I didn't know how to breakup with him before, I knew now.

"Orion, don't cry. It's going to be okay," he says as he wipes his tears away with his fingers, moving them across my cheekbones next, "I've felt it for a few months."

"You have?" I ask, my voice shaky as I look up at him.

Sebastian nods, the look on his face reluctant. "I tried to suppress it. I thought maybe it was talking about being here, but the longer it went on the longer I felt in my heart I knew."

My shoulders slump, suddenly feeling like I want to push away from him. What the hell is he going on about?

"You didn't say anything. You lead me on for months?" I question, feeling my heart rate pick up again.

"I didn't," he retorts quickly, sincerity lacing in his voice as he looks at me, "I promise I didn't. I've never even thought about getting down on one knee for anyone, and there I was, so sure as I proposed to you. You were my endgame. Then, shortly after, things starting... shifting. I wanted to believe it wasn't true so badly."

Guilt swirls inside of me as Sebastian pleads for me to believe him, and I do. He's always tried to protect me—it's just a shame that this is how it has to end.

"Maybe I should just book a plane ticket back tonight. I don't want to make you uncomfortable," he adds after a beat.

More guilt hits me like a rock. Just thinking of being here without Seb makes me hold back more tears.

"You can stay. If you want to," I say quietly, emotionless yet filled with so many.

Sebastian's expression changes just a bit, a tad of confusion in his thick brows. "You want me to?"

In this moment, I feel alone. I feel pathetic, hurt, and sad. And as much as I want to be away from him, I want to be with him. It's so confusing and twisted.

Then, in the back of my mind, is Axel. I can barely remember the way his lips felt or the way his arms wrapped around me. We were so young—and in love. He's still clinging to the forefront of my mind and he hasn't done so much as say he's still pissed at me.

"I don't want to be here alone," I say.

You won't be here alone, I think.

But what if Axel decides he doesn't want anything to do with me? I did the worst thing I could ever do to someone I loved. The fact I never answered his letters never felt right, but now it hurts me to the point I could vomit. This is the payback I deserve.

The expression in his face earlier, the anger in his words, all unearthed a wound that was buried deep beneath my skin. I stopped it all for Sebastian.

"Maybe we just need time to think," he says as his hands find mine, twisting our fingers together. Doing this always grounded me for some reason. I breathe in deeply and nod half-heartedly, feeling some of the tension dissipate in the air around us.

He leans in, and for the first time in four years, it's hesitant, but I respond and do the same. Our lips meet and I'm pulled back against Seb's chest as my hands run up his neck and tangle in his thick hair. Then, his fingertips dance underneath the fabric of my shirt.

The fresh air and sunshine pool into our hotel room and I suddenly notice it all at once. A streak of sun slices half of my face, and Seb runs his thumb along that cheek.

"I will always love you," he whispers as his lips move away from mine and down towards my neck.

"Now you're not making this easy," I mumble as my head tilts.

"You know what they say," he says softly before placing gentle kisses up my neck. "Fight for what you love."

My hands go cold at his words. This isn't going to be easy.

We back up towards the bed and I fall backwards, letting Seb get on top as he pulls my shirt off, and then his own. I watch him unbuckle his belt, tossing it on the floor.

He comes back down and starts kissing along my collarbones, and as he does, my arms wrap around his neck. I stare at the ring on my left finger, pulling it up to the very tip like I'm about to pull it off. Then, I drop it back down as Sebastian's gaze locks with mine.

"Do you want to?" He asks, tracing his fingertips down the side of my face. "It's been a while."'

"It's been a week," I remind him cheekily.

Then, I say yes, thinking maybe it will take my mind off of everything.

But it doesn't, because all I can think of is fight for what you love.