How You Left Me

1

FIVE YEARS LATER

I'm home.

And it's a beautiful day in New Jersey.

The mid-afternoon sun is shining warmly along with a cool breeze that sways the trees. Everything about the weather today is vibrant and cheerful, as it usually is during late spring.

I stand in the spot where my house once was, my shoes gripping the ground beneath like they're trying to hold onto something that doesn't want to live.

It's just a plot of land with a metal chainlink fence around it now. I scoffed at the "DANGER" sign while jumping the metal spikes. Even after all of these years, nothing has been rebuilt.

It's bittersweet, more bitter than anything, but the fact I had the guts and emotional capacity to make it out here today surges a strange confidence through me.

"Are you okay?" Sebastian asks with his head cocked from the other side of the fence.

"Yeah," I say dismissively with my back to him.

The truth is I'd like to be alone right now.

I'd really like to pop open a bottle of champagne and sit right here where I'm standing and drink my heart out under the stars.

"I know it must be hard," Seb adds as his voice gets closer.

"Yeah," I say again, equally as dismissive as the first time.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Seb rub the back of his neck, something he does when he's uncomfortable.

"Are you okay?" I turn and spit back to him.

The trip out here was something we talked about for a while, but every time we got serious about it, I had second thoughts. It quickly became a sore subject for both of us.

"Yeah, I mean... it's just a little weird for me but I'm trying to support you. Because I love you. Now things feel tense."

Before I say anything else, I remember the first thing my therapist taught me.

Take three deep breaths.

One . . .

Two . . .

Three. . .

After my last deep breath, the weight has lifted and I shake my head. If I had known it was this easy my entire life, I would have started doing this at age three.

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to say that with so much animosity. This is hard for me. Thank you for recognizing that."

Sebastian's lips relax into a smile as he gazes lovingly at me from outside the fence.

Taking one last twirl, I stare at the ground a little longer.

This is where our kitchen was.

This was the living room, and the steps to upstairs.

Up here was our bathroom and the room I shared with my brother.