Random Barnaby Oneshots (A Wattpad Fanfiction)

Judge, Jury and Executioner

Warning: Death and multiple disgusting crime trigger. Reader discretion advised. Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!

Just finished having some hot [redacted] with Turing. I swilled the wine that I stole from that stupid bird, revelling in my cleverness. That stupid bird didn't catch me this time! I thought smugly. I should have probably have someone else try the wine. I felt really tired after I was done drinking it up. My vision blurred and I blacked out. I didn't realize that two giant black owls sneaked into my room and dragged me away, complaining about my smell to each other.

~~~~~

I woke up in a bird cage on a stand. I glance around, disoriented. It looked like a some sort of court. I glance around. There were those stupid looking ghost props again in the stands. The giant bird himself was sitting at the table where the judge sits. He banged his gavel a few times as I got my bearings. I'm in court. I realized. I looked around for my dad, hoping that he was here with me. But I was alone. My dad probably does not know what happened to me! I realized. I tried calling my mom, hoping her "Danish" voice can help. I quickly realized there was no signal.

"Order in the court!" I hear that stupid voice call out.

The ghosts seem to be whispering to each other. "Quiet, please!" The fruity sounding male voice called out. I whip my head over to the judge podium. That stupid owl who claims he is a ghost and Oxford graduate was sitting at the judge's podium. He rapped his gavel against the desk. Finally, he shrieked in a very gravelled voice, "SHUT UP!" The room went silent. I laugh at him. He looked stupid with his owl face to me. "This is serious business." He fumed, glaring at me with orange eyes.

"I'm innocent!" I protest.

"No interrupting the judge." The stupid owl snapped. Then he addressed the court. "We are here today to tackle an ongoing issue involving a very rude, unlikeable, and very disgusting creature by the name of Emma, last name Oxford Brat."

I was instantly mad. I just had my nationality changed, dammit! "I'm not British! I'm Danish, you foreign idiot!" I blurt out. Then I sat back. "Besides, you look like a giraffe to me." I felt smug. Maybe too smug...

"Watch your mouth in my court!" The owl snapped. His pink bowtie spun like a cartoon, which is stupid and below me.

That's when I made my big mistake. "I didn't do anything wrong, you [hoot] American." I exclaim, then I froze. I touch my mouth.

The owl giggled, his eyes glowing as his neck stretched across the room like a rubber band. I start realizing that this owl is definitely not normal. "Done nothing wrong?" He asked, before breaking out into wheezing, hooting laughter. He retracted his neck, grabbing a list of sorts and he placed a pair of purple glasses on his face. "Let's begin, shall we?" He looked much more smarter than me. I start realizing that this owl has his own set of laws... just like a foreign idiot.

He began reading off my "charges," which are ridiculous. "You, Emma British, are accused of transphobia, homophobia, ableism, sexism, attempted [hoot], xenophobia, second degree murder, theft, racism-"

I interrupt, "Races aren't real! What are these races? And that stupid moron was confused."

"You deliberately ignore race as a social construct meant to benefit only pale skinned people." The owl was cold. Then he yelled, "Alison, come to the stand!" I watch as... that American [hoot] came up to the stand. She sat gingerly in front of the owl, looking like some skinny giraffe thing.

"Hello, Baron Barnaby, I'm Alison Hedgehog. I can testify as an autistic person that Emma has indeed called me the word that should have been wiped from everyone's vocabulary. Repeatedly. Last few times, I caught it on camera." She said, her ugly haircut making her look pathetic.