Random Barnaby Oneshots (A Wattpad Fanfiction)

⚠️ Avoid saying these to Barnaby ⚠️

So, Barnaby approaches you and invites you to the party he is hosting (and he will not take no for an answer). He also lets you know that the toll to get into the party is your life. I'm going to give you many things NOT TO SAY (and one thing to definitely say).

If Barnaby offers you a choice of death, the big thing to avoid saying is "None of the above." He CAN AND WILL interpret that to mean "I will choose a death for you!" (That actually happened to Billie). And you're basically playing a losing game of Russian roulette if you do that. INSTEAD, say something like "old age/natural causes." He might take a hint, he might not. I honestly don't know. I'm not Barnaby.

Another thing is that if you get stabbed, here's a list of things NOT TO SAY TO BARNABY:

1. "Do you want this back? Or can I keep it?" That implies that you want to die quicker.

2. "Tis but a flesh wound!" Barnaby's most likely never seen Monty Python. So don't be a smartass.

3. "That tickles." I don't think I need to say anything here.

4. "Way to go, Romeo!" I don't think I need to spell that one out.

5. "There's a shortage of perfect chests in the world. It's a real shame you damaged mine." You're just going to come off as arrogant and that it didn't hurt at all.

6. "Did you just poke me with a toothpick?"

7. *"That's kinky/harder, (insert parental figure here)!" I don't think that's a good idea to make any dirty innuendos to a ghost owl who has been dead for over a hundred years. He might not get the implications and if he does, he will give you an earful for being crass as you die from your wounds. He may be dead, but remember that he was born in a time when manners were still a thing and stuff like that is not only taboo, but also scandalous. The same rule goes for being strangled.

8. "I ain't doing that until I'm married to you." Again, just not a good idea. Period.

9. *"I heard that you liked it rough. But nobody told me that you liked it this rough." Again, that's just scandalous.

10. Any lecture on the proper sharpness of a knife is just a bad idea. Not just for you, but also for the next sap who crosses paths with that ghost owl.

One thing to avoid saying if you choose a fiery death, don't say "this is lit!" That's just asking to stay forever (and you got eternity to come up with something new and funny). And don't sing Alicia Keys "Girl on Fire". I shouldn't have to say that, but here the fuck I am.

Don't accept anything Barnaby offers you. You might as well kiss a black widow spider if you do that.

And don't mention Billie... at all. It just won't end well for you.

*There are some sick bastards out there who would say something like that. But if they want to die, that's their own fault.