Random Barnaby Oneshots (A Wattpad Fanfiction)

Dealing with Barnaby

So, you make the stupid mistake of wandering into a haunted mansion, eh? It doesn't matter if it's on a dare, a practical joke or even to steal something to prove you have been there. You went in, now you got to deal with Barnaby, the ghost owl who resides there. I'm going to give you pointers on how to get out of this predicament. They might or might not work!

Do not use pepper spray. There are two very good reasons why. The first one is that pepper spraying Barnaby might not be a good idea since he might take offense. Why? I hear you ask. It's simple: Barnaby might think you're spraying a ghost version of Axe cologne on him... Which indirectly tells him he smells awful (more on that later). The other one has to do with the mere fact that birds do not have a sense for capsasin, a chemical commonly found in pepper spray. I shouldn't have to tell you this, but for fuck's sake... DON'T PEPPER SPRAY BIRDS. ESPECIALLY DEAD ONES. And it could go right through him.

Mind your ps and qs. I know in this day and age that's impossible to do, but remember that Barnaby died one hundred years ago, when manners are still a thing. So, don't pepper spray Barnaby (as explained above). The other reason why is because he might think you're being rude by indirectly telling him he stinks. Also, don't swear. If you are wondering what is not acceptable, go watch George Carlin's "Seven Dirty Things You Shouldn't Say on Television." And avoid reciting that. You can safely get away with "frick" but everything else is just asking for trouble. And dress appropriately! Even the dead judge you. This also means no talking about bedroom activities, no controversial topics (such as race. He really doesn't care about that but does care about your life's extended warranty expiring), and no bragging about getting into an Ivy league school or coming from a "civilized country". Nobody likes a boastful, uneducated jerk, not even the dead.

If you must converse, make sure you keep it cordial. If he asks for your preference regarding how you die, tell him to give you five minutes and then get the fuck out of there. I don't care how suicidal you are. Live for the sole purpose of pissing off anyone who bothers you.

And remember the old adage: don't speak ill of the dead. And if you must, be classy about it. Don't call Barnaby stupid just because he's dead. It's rude. And don't argue "But he is a dead owl!" They still deserve some kindness even if they are trying to kill you to invite you to their party. Because that's what makes Barnaby a health risk: he doesn't know that dying is a big deal for the living and is just offering which way is suitable so that you can fit in. How nice, huh?