40 Days In The Desert

Chapter 24 - Guardian Angel

Souss-Massa Region, Morocco, 25th of July 1999

A new day brings hope along with the heatwave.

The eagle is carrying water continuously in his beak and wets my face in an attempt to make the fever more bearable. I'm very sure by now that the infection has reached its peak, as I sense how my body is getting tired by the moment to fight whatever might be poisoning it.

I'm powerless, fully abandoned in the will of God and His mercy. Yet I still want to think that there's an end to this, be it in this world or in another, soon my pain will cease.

My memories seem to be more hopeful as well, as I remember a good one. Maybe the best fragment I have from the tumultuous 80s — the night when I've met the person who changed my life forever.

~

West Berlin, Federal Republic of Germany, 9th of December 1989

I open my eyes and look around me at all the empty bottles spread across the living room. My apartment, just like my life, has become a mess even worse than it used to be before.

It's been a month since I held my sister in my arms. A damned month since my life became meaningless and I started to lose my sanity more each day.

Back when he was alive, I was condemning my father. After seeing how another innocent person died for helping me out with a tip, I became worse than him. No Sabine. No hope of finding her. No nothing. I resumed to drinking. Drugs as well, but those were too expensive and I couldn't afford such luxuries all the time unless I was confiscating them from the club in the name of security and keeping them for later use. If I am to summarize, I was a walking disaster.

Not even John could make me feel better. In an anger outburst, I screamed at my friend that I had to lose my sister again because of him and asked him to leave. Instead of fighting back, he just nodded and left. After all, it was me who took the decision to make the exchange. Yet I was at a point in my life when blaming others was more relieving than looking at my own incapacities.

"Oh, you again," I sigh at the sight of the most beautiful entity in the world, but at the same time, one of the most annoying things that ever existed — my guardian angel.

This mesmerizingly translucent guy appeared in my life when I needed it most. But the truth is I haven't seen him in a long while, ever since I was a child and I was crying after my mother left us. He returned a couple of weeks ago, only to haunt my existence with his overprotective skills.

My angel used to take stuff out of my hand — be it drugs or alcohol when I was about to cross the limit, blocking me from hurting myself whenever I was feeling down, or simply pushing me to do random things to get better. Like a sort of heavenly therapist, he stood by my side all along, helping me go through this tumultuous period, yet still very hard to live with for such a long time.

Not even now, as I throw a stinky sock at him, does he seem impressed by my move. He keeps floating unbothered, holding the clock on the table in his hands, making me acknowledge that it's seven in the evening and I slept all day.

What would be the issue, though? After noticing my state, not even one week since the incidents, my boss decided to put me on a leave until I get better. It seemed like everyone was willing to get rid of me as fast as possible. In the aftermath of my unnecessary unleash, John stopped calling as well.

It's not that I don't deserve it. But, at some point, I really wish I had someone by my side who'd be able to fight with all that I am and stay with me no matter what. Perhaps I do have someone, but it's just an angel who's been assigned by God to stick to me and can't really revolt against his Creator. I wouldn't count this one as a loyal friend.