40 Days In The Desert

Chapter 13 - A Turn Of Events

Souss-Massa Region, Morocco, 14th of July 1999

My body was so feverish last night that the eagle ended up having to take a few steps back and rest his wings solely on my feet, so my fingers wouldn't freeze, as they were the only part of my body that managed to remain cold. The rest was burning.

While I was in the middle of the terrible moment, I started having visions of my father coming and speaking to me. Different saints and angels appearing and trying to comfort me. I was marveling at my own imagination, thinking how it is possible for my brain to make up so many beautiful things.

However, as I wake up at almost noon, in the middle of the heatwave, I realize that maybe it wasn't a hallucination after all. I feel a bit more rested, even if my head hurts and it's hard to keep my eyes open for too long. It's just a bit better than yesterday, and I'm enormously grateful for that.

The eagle is still next to me, which probably indicates that I'm not doing very well. This bird used to hunt and do his stuff during the day, yet now he's just fixating me with his gaze, slightly concerned about how I feel.

But, even with him around, I still return to my memories. It's what brings me comfort. My solace in this apocalyptic setting, almost as important as the drops of water I receive daily.

~

West Berlin, Federal Republic of Germany, 30th of August 1988

"Jakob, listen," I almost beg the boy who's two years younger than me, yet who had a lavish life good enough not to teach him a thing about real struggles. "At least read the letter from Inge."

"No," he shakes his head. "Whatever you two are up to, it's your business. Don't make me get implicated and undermine dad's authority. I'm barely managing with him lately."

After I landed in West Berlin last night and spied on Gerhard who's apparently out of the city, I decided to wait till the morning to pay Jakob a visit so I wouldn't scare him for good. However, it seems as though it was bound to happen, anyway, as I entered in their villa through an open window, straight into his study, I had to cover his mouth to make his scream of shock less audible.

"You're struggling because Gerhard has taken things too far," I say. "You don't care at all about your sister? Inge had to leave because of him."

"No, it's because of you," he looks at me with something close to spite, and I wonder what other things has Gerhard told his children about me and Inge decided to skip reporting. "You're the problem, Gunde. You always were."

"Okay," I sigh, deciding it's best to agree with him. Also because he's not entirely wrong. I came here to disturb his peace, it's not like I'm an angelic presence. "But I need your help. At least see what Inge has to say."

"No," he shakes his head vigorously, just like he was doing when we were kids and me and Inge were implicating him in our stupid plans. "Because I know that, if I read, I'm gonna end up on your side. Like always."

I can't contradict him, so I prefer to go on with the truth. "And what's so wrong with our side, Jakob? Do you want to become a free person like your sister or an annoying geezer like your dad? After all, it's your choice."

"No, I can't do this," he almost cries. "Because dad said that Inge is no different than you either."

"Jakob," I sigh. "Can you formulate a phrase without using this 'dad said' structure? I know what he thinks. I know how he is. But you're not like this."

"I'm not like you either."

"Inge is sick," I have kept this as my last resort if this conversation wasn't going to go accordingly, yet I decide to use it since Jakob was starting to piss me off. "You're out here complaining about bullshit. This could be the last letter you'll ever get from your sister, and you still prefer to be on your dad's side. That's fine. I'm out."