Manic Pixie: Black Girls and the Everyday

City Pop

"Knowing that you are loved. You have nothing to prove when you can feel it," she paused, taking in what that empty feeling was that had been following her around recently.

"Although I haven't really felt that recently. I don't think I'm very likable."

She turned away from him, not wanting him to see her tears.

*＊✿❀　❀✿＊*

Starlight Coffee Bar was like many of the cafes and bars that populated Toronto. Though whoever designed the inside had enough sense to not adorn it in millennial gray. Instead opting for a bamboo countertop and accent wall that contrasted the concrete walls and metal pipes that ran across the ceiling.

Catherine had wanted to sit at the front, near the makeshift stage. She was now a seasoned veteran when it came to hanging out alone. She had friends but no friend group. That often meant choosing to hang out with one friend or another, but never together. Afraid to put her friends who only knew of each other in uncomfortable situations. It also meant that sometimes she couldn't decide which friend to go with to an event, cafe, or class.

At first, her inability to choose between her friends made her feel like she couldn't go. So she spent many months at home, wanting to be outside but not alone. Then she decided she would go alone, and well, that embarrassed her. It was very hard at first to not feel like a sore thumb, to be bored in lines with only her phone to keep her company, to not feel the need to come up with an excuse for why she was alone on the off chance someone asked her.

"My friend is sick and the tickets are non-refundable."

"Stuck in traffic."

"The bitch canceled at the last minute to hang out with her boyfriend."

Boyfriend, that word brought her back to the present. She chose a seat in the back. If she couldn't sit in the front, then the very back was her best option. Besides, she was really here to listen, not watch.

What she had learned from her many solo dates was that not sticking out helped her feel like she wasn't being perceived. It also helped to be fully immersed in the experience, so she forgot that everyone else was there with someone. So at concerts and shows she was always in the front row. She could focus on the artist and be physically unable to see the rest of the crowd. Though in these cases, the very back also worked. Yes, she saw the whole crowd, but they could not see her.

The band had just started the first song when she chose her seat. Near the entrance, right beside a large window. The band was covering a compilation of Japanese city pop songs. She was hoping to hear "Love Talkin'" by Tatsuro Yamashita or "Plastic Love" by Mariya Takeuchi or "Just a Joke" by Yurie Kokubu.

She didn't consider herself a huge City Pop fan, but there was something about those songs and the general vibe of the genre that spoke to her. It was funky and addictive, and often the lyrics were sadder than the beat led on. She felt seen by that juxtaposition.

Here she was, a tall, dark-skinned, black girl who dressed kinda androgynous and gothic but loved frilly things and the color pink and was super shy. And though she spoke "white," she was comfortable in her blackness. Never feeling like an outsider in her community. She dressed very boldly but couldn't really hold a conversation at all. She was independent but social settings stressed her out. Everything about her was confusing, even to her.

"Your order." The server brought her out of her thoughts and back to the present. She smiled, mouthing the words "thank you."

She had brought the Sakura Cheese Mousse and Sakura latte, for two reasons. They were seasonal items and they were pink. She liked the idea of eating food that matched the season. It had been raining for two weeks straight, but this made her remember that the cherry blossoms were on their way. Soon the whole city would be pink, and that made her happy.