Manic Pixie: Black Girls and the Everyday

Sincerity is Scary

"I think sincerity is scary...it's like betting on happiness that you are not entitled to. Just incredibly lucky if you get it." Shanti said not looking at anyone in particular. She was with her friends for one last adventure before they left for university. The girls looked at her encouraging her to speak. Shanti played with the end of a braid, unraveling it as she did. Her best friend of 12 years reached out from the other side of the circle and squeezed her hand. Shanti looked at her, knowing how much her best friend hated physical contact of any kind. It hit Shanti once again that she wouldn't be seeing any of them for at least 8 months. Still, she squeezed back and let the words flow out of her in a way they never did before
"I love all of you deeply and I have no idea what it's going to be like going from seeing you every day in school to not even once for the next 8 months. Yeah, I guess there is face timing and group chats and streaming parties but, it's going to be really hard not being there in person to y'all get scared and this one crying out of fear when we watch scary movies. Who's going to cook with me? And what if y'all go off and find yourself an ain't shit man. How am I going to stop you guys from being the birds that y'all are? And who's going to get into fights with me, cause y'all know I will." Shanti paused and they laughed with tears in their eyes."I just...just...sincerity is scary cause even though we've known each other for so long sometimes I wake up and I think today's the day y'all will leave me. Today is the day y'all will realize that I am just a storm with no rainbow afterward. And I hate that everything is changing, and I hate it even more that I can't control how things are going. And even though all of you are here right now I feel alone, I feel like an asteroid floating towards a black hole. How am I supposed to live without any of you?" She stopped again choking on her tears and finding it hard to breathe. The five other girls moved in closer and wrapped their arms around Shanti, hoping to console her. Though the act just made Shanti sadder, and she cried harder. This was a side of her she never wanted them to see but was so necessary. She was unaware of it, but her words had hit all the girls deeply and each of them made a silent promise to stay in each other's lives regardless of where they ended up.

 Author's note

I hope these last few weren't too sad. I am currently working on happier stories but idk I've always written when I was the saddest. This is based on a conversation I should have had with my friends but chickened out of. Now it's been at least 3 years and besides one that I talk to on occasion, I am alone. Sometimes I wonder how different life would be if I did tell them what I was feeling and how scared I was to lose them. But that is just the way life goes and besides I'm okay now, I found myself again.