i can't want you (i'm taking you anyway)

part 23

Taylor's POV

I avoided Travis the next morning.

I knew he was looking at me, but I just couldn't bring myself to meet his gaze. Last night had been truly awful, and I'd embarrassed myself. I didn't know what I'd been thinking. I'd just been upset, and I'd wanted to see him, and then he was there and being so nice and saying these things and I hadn't been able to stop myself. Travis had been so comforting, and then I'd thrown myself at him and ruined everything.

"I think one of us has to see that this isn't right."

Fuck, he must think I'm pathetic.

Of course he didn't want me. He was just being nice. We'd known each other since before we could remember, of course he'd take my hand to calm me down. He hadn't meant anything by it, and now I looked ridiculous.

"Mommy?" Ronan tapped my arm and I realized I'd been thinking too hard and not paying attention.

"Yes baby?" I murmured, focusing my attention on her.

"Want to...want to park!" She told me. 

"You want to go to the park?" I asked, and she nodded. "Okay, well if Mommy can get ready first then we can..."

"We can take her." Mom scooped Ronan out of her chair who giggled in delight as her Grandma swung her into her arms. "Let us spend time with our grandbaby, you barely bring her around anymore."

"Okay." I sighed, running a hand through my hair. I was glad someone else wanted to take her; I didn't really have the energy for it today. All I wanted to do was have a shower. "Thanks Mom. Oh, but her diaper bags..."

"I know where it is Taylor, calm down. We'll be just fine won't we?" Mom tickled Ronan's stomach and my daughter laughed, wriggling happily. 

I gave in and nodded, getting up from my chair as Mom and Dad left to take Ronan to the park. With a sigh, I put away all the breakfast stuff and cleaned up the kitchen. It seemed like everyone had gone out; I knew Austin and a few others were off doing something, and Travis had probably gone with them. Thank god, I really couldn't face it today.

But then I turned around and saw him back downstairs. My cheeks flushing, I quickly looked away and busied myself with stacking the dishwasher.

"Where is everyone?"

"They took Ronan to the park." I mumbled without looking up. If I looked at him, I'd remember the way he'd kissed me for a split second last night before he'd pushed me off. The way his hands had felt under my shirt, how his body had pressed against mine

Fuck, stop it. No. I cursed myself, forcing my thoughts away.

"Teddy." Travis murmured, and I kept my eyes cast down. "Teddy, look at me." He almost pleaded, resting a hand on my arm, and I didn't have it in me to not raise my eyes and meet his gaze. "I'm sorry."

"What?" I blinked, surprised.

"I'm sorry." He repeated. "I know you're mad at me about last night, and you have every right to be. But you have to know I just couldn't do something like that."

"Oh I got that." I pulled my arm out from under his. 

"Teddy..."

"No, it's fine Travis. I got it." I turned, heading for the stairs, unable to stand the way he was looking at me. Like he pitied me.

Travis' POV

Taylor and I barely spoke for the rest of the time we spent with her family. She refused to look at me, and we only spoke when we had to, or for Ronan's sake. Taylor looked truly terrible the whole day of the funeral, of course she did, but it killed me to know I couldn't put an arm around her or squeeze her hand and let her know it'd be okay. She stood alone, arms wrapped around herself, almost the whole day. I'd taken Ronan so Taylor could have some space.