i can't want you (i'm taking you anyway)

part 17

Taylor's POV

"Mommy! Mommy!"

"Mhmm." I groaned, blinking. "Hi baby girl." I mumbled, lifting a hand to rub my eyes. Ronan touched my temple, the bandage that covered the cut, and I winced. 

"Mommy ouch?"

"Yes baby, Mommy ouch." I gently guided her hand away from my temple. "You hungry?"

Ronan nodded, clambering up into my arms as I sat up. Still blinking tiredly, I stood up with her wrapped around me like a monkey. She could walk, but she preferred not to, and I couldn't bear to tell her no. I knew that soon, she'd grow up and wouldn't want to be carried anymore.

There was no sign of Travis in the apartment and his phone and keys were gone from where they'd been last night, so I assumed he'd gone out. Taking Ronan with me to the kitchen, I explored the cabinets and the fridge before taking out some fruit to chop up for her. Travis didn't have a lot in the way of food suitable for a toddler, so I'd go out later and get some. I sat Ronan down at the table and found a plastic plate, setting it down in front of her. She seemed happy enough, none the wiser that much was different. But then, as she grabbed for another piece of banana, she looked up at me. 

"Daddy?" She asked, and I swallowed. I didn't know how to tell an almost two-year-old that there was no Daddy anymore. Well, not the one she knew. 

"No Daddy." I said gently.

"Daddy monkey!" Ronan insisted, stabbing her finger at the slice of banana. I sighed, realizing what she was talking about. Drew had always called her monkey, ever since she was born, and they'd always played a game whenever they had bananas. She'd obviously made the connection between the fruit on her plate and the man that wasn't here to play the game with her. 

"I can do monkey." I suggested.

"No! Daddy monkey!" Ronan shook her head, clambering to stand on the chair. It broke my heart. She didn't understand, she couldn't understand. All she knew was that Drew wasn't there like he always was.

"No monkey baby, I'm sorry." I shook my head. "No monkey."

Ronan started to cry, her face crumpling. My heart ached and I reached out for her, but she hit her little hands against mine like she didn't want me to touch her. My arms fell into my lap as I stared at my daughter, watching as she cried.

"I'm sorry baby, I'm sorry." I whispered. "I wish I could make it better."

"Daddy monkey!" She insisted loudly. I shook my head and she screamed in frustration, stamping her foot on the chair. A tear slid down my cheek as she kept repeating the same thing over and over again, and I leaned my elbows on the table, resting my face in my hands. 

All I could hear was the echo of Ronan's insisting voice, her crying, my breath as I fought back tears of my own. I was a horrible, horrible mother. I couldn't give my daughter a good, stable home, a good father, a good life. I'd tried so hard, and it was falling to pieces around me. 

"Hey, hey, what's going on?" Travis' voice reached my ears and I looked up to see him closing the front door, a bag on his arm. His eyes met mine, and then he looked at Ronan. "Are you okay?" He asked, dumping the bag on the floor and hanging up his keys before coming over.

"She wants Drew." I hiccupped, trying not to cry. "She doesn't understand why he's not here." I scrubbed at my eyes. I didn't want him to see me cry, not again. "She wants him to play the monkey game with her." I mumbled, even though Travis wouldn't know what that meant.

"Okay." Travis nodded slowly, and then moving. He crouched down in front of Ronan. "Hey kiddo, how about we play a new game?" Ronan stared at him, lip trembling. Travis reached out both of his hands to her but didn't touch her, letting her decide. She looked at me, obviously unsure, but when I nodded at her and smiled, Ronan held up her arms towards Travis.