Songs I Write | VIII

Recalculating

I always saw myself, if anything, a hopeless romantic
Desperate for love, just clinging onto any sign whichever way it spun
But upon recalculating, I'm starting to panic
Maybe I never was who I was, I'm not meant to be for anyone

My relationships never seem to work
Even platonic, I can't avoid the hurt
Of all the rejection, all of the distance, all the unsurprising surprise
I keep signing my name up just to feel drained out each time

I always saw myself, if anything, a diamond in the rough
Born to be sought for, yearning to call for, learning I'm forced to fail
And upon recalculating, I should really give up
'Cause I never will be the person I should be, my make-believe me isn't so frail

But my relationships never seem to work
Even platonic, I can't avoid the hurt
Of all the rejection, all of the distance, all the unsurprising surprise
I keep signing my name up just to feel drained out each time

I spend all my days trying to behave the way he said he wants
'Cause I want him to stay like all the ones before him, but at some point it's muscle memory
I see you leaving even with you right before me
I know it's not dramatic, it's how these things go
But I don't wanna do that, I don't wanna know
I just want to be frozen forever in this silence
Don't wanna hear my own voice screaming and crying

My relationships never seem to work
Even platonic, I can't avoid the hurt
Of all the rejection, all of the distance, all the unsurprising surprise
I keep signing my name up just to feel drained out, to my own demise
I keep trying to change but all I do is feel pain now each time