Rooftops - Julien Baker

crazy enough to work

''I mean..." She stood up from the bed, as if she'd just invented the wheel. "Like...y'know..." Julien flailed her arms around like spaghetti. "No, I don't know? What?" I giggled. She grunted in frustration. "Your school, do you absolutely love it?" she furrowed her eyebrows. "Honey, what are you talking about?" I grinned cluelessly. 

"Honey? Mm that's new.." she whispered with a smirk. Julien's hair shook quickly as she grounded herself again. "Ali, yes or no?" she repeated. 

I know when I first met Julien, I told her my "friends at home all call me grape". Well the truth was I hated my high-school, my friend-group had lost all interest in me. They had gone on a trip for summer two years ago, when I was stuck going to my Dad's. Not that I could've afforded it anyway, but, ever since that summer, they all grew much closer and I couldn't catch up. I felt like a ghost. I would never be the first option to hang out with. The only text-first messages I got were for homework. I knew they only kept me around for pity's sake. Nobody called me grape, apart from my Mom. There, I admitted it. Julien's gonna know her girlfriend's a fucking loser. 

"No. I... am not too popular let's just say." I answered honestly, dragging the mood down a bit. "Mhm, thought so." She nodded. "Hey!" I acted offended. "Look, do you have a point or...?" I moved it along. 

"My point is, Aliza, you make me the happiest woman in the world-"

"Are you proposing or...? Like, it's a bit sudden but, I guess-"

"No! Just, shh!" Julien had to pinch herself as not to break into laughter. I listened. I shushed. "You...living...here. Not just the summer." The words echoed off my walls, through my mind, shot off the windows and painted the year in my brain. The spring would be gorgeous- dewy grass circling the wild flowers scattered around the village. The baby lambs in the fields. The summer would be as it always was, sketching sunsets on my Dad's roof, meeting strangers. Only this time, it wouldn't be cut short or rushed. The fall would be warm and sweet, leaves covering every inch of sidewalk. The local café selling more hot drinks than ever. And Julien's warm brown eyes matching the reforming nature. The winter would be comforting, maybe a bit of snow (I don't know if it snows around here). Christmas shopping, rainbow lights dotting outlines of streets.

Oh, God. It'd be perfect if it were up to me, but it wasn't. It was up to Mom. And it was up to Dad. And Lord knows they can never agree, especially when it comes to me. My name, my curfew, my Christmas gifts, my pocket money, my bedtime, my hair colour. It never ended. I think that's why I found it so uncomfortable, the first summer I spent here. There was no yelling, no slamming doors, it was much too quiet. 

"Do you think..." I cleared my throat. "Do you think I could?" I questioned, looking for a genuine answer. It seemed like a surreal concept. I'd never wanted to stay longer than I had to. Some summers I'd even ask to go home early. But now with Julien on the line, I wanted to spend every waking moment with her. 

"It's worth a shot, right?" she shrugs like it's no big deal. 

Ring Ring. 

I feel a buzzing in my pocket and check. "Lucy." I mutter to Julien. "Hey!" I slide the call. "Ali! I've got some exciting news!" She could barely hold it in by the sounds of it. "Me and Jules are here, do you mind if she hears?" I confirm. "Of course not, put me on speaker." Lucy suggests. I do just that, now a louder Lucy blesses both our ears. "I'M STAYING WITH MY GRANDMA THIS YEAR!" She screeches. Julien and I yell in excitement. "So, you're here all year?" I repeat. "Prepare to be sick of me!" Lucy giggles. 

"Y'know, Ali is thinking of staying around too." Julien adds. I don't know what to say. It was true, but we had barely talked about it. I mean, who was Julien to announce that? More excited screams from Ms.Dacus. "It's not been discussed yet, but...yeah, maybe." I agree. Julien shoots me a look and I know something's up. "Lucy can I call you back?" "Sure."

The room goes eerily silent without teenage screams. I keep looking at her. Her face is scrunched up and her lips are parted like she's going to say something. "What do you mean maybe?"

"Huh?...Jules I mean...it's a lot to just leave my life at home completely. You surely understand that. " I explain. "I surely understand?" She repeats as if it's an insult. Her fingers run through her smooth hair to get it out of her face. Gosh, even when she's angry, she's pretty. "I meant I just... I have to talk to my Dad and my Mom, it's not that simple with moving schools and y'know maybe-" "Maybe? Why not hopefully or probably?"

"Do you hate the word maybe?" I scoffed. 

Silence.

"No, no." Julien froze. Her eyes found mine and she grabbed my shoulder. "I'm...sorry I just I really, really don't want to lose you." She sounded hoarse, like she's already cried. I touched her chin and pressed our lips together. "I don't either honey, I don't either." I wrapped my arms around her shorter body. I felt her squeeze back tightly. 

The thought of home now seemed like an no-go. 

This was home.

a/n: i never proofread so apologies for grammar/spelling. first ''argument''? how we feelin gays?